The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

OverHerd on campus

OverHerd on campus

April 13, 2017
Filed under Overherd on Campus, Satire

“Mom, I had the spaciest weekend.” “My dad asked me where my tax return went and I said I don’t know, probably to my trips to Italy, or Budapest ... where I incidentally contracted hand-foot-and-mouth disease.” “Now I don’t feel bad that I didn’t go to Mexico because it’s so nice...

The List: Other things that Sean Spicer thinks never happened

April 13, 2017
Filed under Satire, The List

Dinosaurs The Great Depression “Hamilton: An American Musical” The Titanic (the actual event, not the movie) The WNBA The Boston Tea Party Sex for pleasure Darwinism Siamese twins Soft grunge The podcast industry The Hundred...

Roommate throws out all of roommate’s belongings that littered the floor

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor
April 13, 2017
Filed under Satire

LEWISBURG, PA—In a fit of rage over the state of their Vedder Hall double, Julia Judd-House ’20 told reporters on Tuesday that she took all of her roommate’s items that weren’t in her dresser and threw them in the dumpster outside of their dorm. “I just don’t understand what she doesn’t...

‘News organizations’ abandon journalistic integrity, promote personality quizzes

Charles Beers, News Editor
April 13, 2017
Filed under Satire

This past week, a prestigious New York City-based news publication with a liberal slant and a three-letter acronym announced a new initiative for its summer publication schedule. In order to connect with youth culture, the website will move away from well-researched reports on national news and current...

Young Love: Uncuffing season

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor
April 13, 2017
Filed under Satire, Young Love

Josh Miller ’17 sat in class on Thursday afternoon debating how to break up with his girlfriend of six months, Sarah Martinez ’17. The reason for the termination of the relationship was not derived from a lack of chemistry, but rather an increase of temperature—outside. In the last week, the dreary...

Taking shoes off in class now an expellable offense

Taking shoes off in class now an expellable offense

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
April 13, 2017
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Now that springtime has officially arrived in Lewisburg, Pa., University officials released an urgent campus-wide statement on April 11 regarding warm weather footwear. After heated debate, the University’s Ethics Committee ruled that taking off one’s shoes during class is now an offense punishable...

First-Year student with Bible-thumping parents listens to Lil Wayne’s entire discography

First-Year student with Bible-thumping parents listens to Lil Wayne’s entire discography

Jon Meier, Staff Writer
April 6, 2017
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

In preparation for Lil Wayne’s upcoming appearance at this year’s spring concert, Heather Andrews ’20 has listened to his entire discography. From Monday night to Wednesday morning, Andrews listened to over 20 mixtapes, 13 studio albums, three compilation albums, and one extended play that spanned...

Senior couple ‘really hopeful’ about their last-month-of-school romance

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor
April 6, 2017
Filed under Satire, Young Love

After several rounds of Long Island Iced Teas on Thursday night, Chris Phillipe ’17 and Sarah Fitz ’17 decided to exclusively date one another for the remainder of senior year. Having met two Thursdays before, this seemed like a curveball to many of their friends. Phillipe’s good friend Sam Schipper...

The List: Things that cost less than the University’s tuition for the 2017-18 year

Madeline Diamond & Courtney Wren, Senior Editor & Satire Editor
April 6, 2017
Filed under Satire, The List

268,544 chicken nuggets from Wendy’s Lehigh’s tuition Almost four Volkswagen Jettas A down payment on a lovely home 161,126.4 multi-colored Sharpies 18,393 grande lattes from Starbucks 224 Apple Watches 50 Cancun spring breaks 10,707 packs of Neutrogena m...

Kid wishes dad would just shut up on campus tour

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
April 6, 2017
Filed under Satire

High school junior Brendan Silbermann rolled his eyes as his totally lame dad, Rob, asked more than his fair share of questions on their recent tour of the University. “Now, what is the ‘party’ scene like here?” the elder Silbermann said, using exaggerated air quotes. Brendan was seen glaring...

Senior fed up with questions about her future gets caught in web of accidental lies

Emma Sheehy, Staff Writer
April 6, 2017
Filed under Satire

As the end of their University experience approaches, seniors are often bombarded with the question, “What are you doing next year?” Claiming that one is “traveling,” “volunteering,” or “figuring it out” are common responses to avoid revealing that they actually don’t have any concrete...

OverHerd on campus

OverHerd on campus

Courtney Wren & Madeline Diamond, Satire Editor & Senior Editor
April 6, 2017
Filed under Overherd on Campus, Satire

“I didn’t eat lunch today; I had Sweet Frog instead.” “Vedder is just a communal hell hole.” “I hate The Bucknellian; I just read it to hate on it.” “Boy, I know you want to buy one of these henleys.” “Well, it’s a slippery slope of divestments.” “I don’t think she’d...

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University
Satire