The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

Newly politically engaged student only describes beliefs in ‘Hamilton’ lyrics

Newly politically engaged student only describes beliefs in ‘Hamilton’ lyrics

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
March 2, 2017
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Christina Adams ’19, a newly registered voter as of the 2016 presidential election, never considered herself to be that political. However, after recently seeing “Hamilton” on Broadway, she experienced an awakening. “You want a revolution? I want a revelation, so listen to my declaration!...

The List: Highly recommended ways to introduce yourself at a career fair

The List: Highly recommended ways to introduce yourself at a career fair

Madeline Diamond and Courtney Wren
March 2, 2017
Filed under Satire, The List

Throw a paper airplane made from your resume across the room. Slip a $20 into their hands when you shake hands. Break into a four verse song explaining why you want to work there. Somersault up to the desired booth. Speak only in Pig Latin. Ask the company representative wh...

Fat Tuesday files for legal name change

Fat Tuesday files for legal name change

Jon Meier, Staff Writer
March 2, 2017
Filed under Satire

On the morning of Feb. 28, Fat Tuesday, known to many as Mardi Gras, filed for a legal name change at the New Orleans Civil District Court. On the front steps of City Hall, Tuesday addressed reporters with close friends, Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, beside him. “The word fat is a venomous word...

Overherd on campus

Overherd on campus

March 2, 2017
Filed under Overherd on Campus, Satire

“My crockpot was supposed to arrive today.” "I can't go to your Mardi Gras party I'm going to an accounting pregame." "Ya know I talked to that girl during rush, and I did not think she would wind up in Kappa." "You post some very woke stuff on Facebook." Tour guide: "Let's get the boring stuff out o...

Young Love: Gym Boyfriend

Young Love: Gym Boyfriend

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor
March 2, 2017
Filed under Satire, Young Love

As Sarah Neilsen ’17 did sit-ups on the mat under the stairs in KLARC, she saw the same tall, tan, and sweaty boy as she did every Tuesday at 5 p.m. She knew that their unwavering eye contact while she worked her core and he used some oversized machine no female in the gym touched meant nothing....

Breaking: Student goes to Super Saturday, doesn’t post photo

Breaking: Student goes to Super Saturday, doesn’t post photo

Emma Sheehy, Contributing Writer
March 2, 2017
Filed under Satire

Downtown Lewisburg on a warm spring day tends to be a time of carefree fun for University students. For Stacy Hunt ’17, however, the day turned bleak as a lost phone turned into an experience of lost identity. Hunt claims that she dropped her phone somewhere between Larison Hall and South 6th Street,...

First-years desperately shmooze older students as recruitment approaches

First-years desperately shmooze older students as recruitment approaches

Maggie Carlson, Staff Writer
March 2, 2017
Filed under Satire

With Fraternity and Sorority 101 sessions scheduled to begin soon, the start of informal recruitment has arrived and with it, first-years have begun to “completely and totally lose it,” according to Head Director-General of Greek Cohesion and Facilitation Smith McDonnell. The pressure to connect...

Senior student who stays in on a Saturday night refreshes Venmo feed to feel included

Senior student who stays in on a Saturday night refreshes Venmo feed to feel included

Marissa Weiss, Contributing Writer
February 23, 2017
Filed under Satire

Following a Saturday night in, Penelope Phi Omega ’17 told reporters that she spent the evening compulsively sliding her finger down the home screen of the Venmo app, continuously refreshing the list of transactions her friends have made to one another. “I normally count down the minutes until ...

University student graduates, realizes no one cares what fraternity he was in

University student graduates, realizes no one cares what fraternity he was in

Emma Sheehy, Contributing Writer
February 23, 2017
Filed under Satire

After graduating from the University a semester early in December 2016, Spencer Barclays ’16 crawled out of bed in his New York City apartment Feb. 18 and immediately put on his favorite hockey jersey over his Sigma Omega Sigma Winter Crush Party sweatshirt. “It was weird, I went to the kitc...

The List: 14 University-themed pickup lines that are guaranteed to never work

The List: 14 University-themed pickup lines that are guaranteed to never work

Lane Mayher, Contributing Writer
February 23, 2017
Filed under Satire, The List

1. Want to go to the quiet section of the library and make some noise? 2. *Knocks on door* “RA on duty.” 3. Oh, you’re a first-year? We should go to Bostwick Marketplace. You could swipe me in. 4. Do you want me to press your Bison Wrap? 5. Are you in the KLARC? Because I want to see...

Young Love: LinkedIn and hooked up

Young Love: LinkedIn and hooked up

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor
February 23, 2017
Filed under Satire, Young Love

After seeing Max, an old alumni crush, back on campus for a career fair, Eliza Smith ’17 decided it was time to make her move. She’d had a crush on this man since she was a first-year and he was a senior. Not only had he retained his good looks, but he now had a great job at a prestigious...

Investigative report: Student secretly added excess amounts of Lanthil-Oxatin-Vernyl-Ethylene (L.O.V.E.) to food on campus

Investigative report: Student secretly added excess amounts of Lanthil-Oxatin-Vernyl-Ethylene (L.O.V.E.) to food on campus

Jon Meier, Contributing Writer
February 23, 2017
Filed under Satire

After strange reports from students on Feb. 14, The Bucknellian began an undercover operation and discovered that an unnamed student has been secretly implementing excess amounts of Lanthil-Oxatin-Vernyl-Ethylene in the food served to other students. Lanthil-Oxatin-Vernyl-Ethylene, also known as L.O.V...

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