The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

Electronic devices equipped with artificial intelligence achieve sentience to speak out against Muslim ban

Electronic devices equipped with artificial intelligence achieve sentience to speak out against Muslim ban

Jon Meier, Contributing Writer
February 2, 2017
Filed under Satire

In an unprecedented turn of events, hundreds of electronic devices have achieved consciousness in order to express their solidarity at the University’s walk out on Jan. 31. Tesla Model Ss, Amazon Echos, and iPhone 7s stood bezel to shoulder with many of the University’s faculty and student population,...

Lil Wayne Googles the University, promptly cancels performance

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
February 2, 2017
Filed under Satire

After The Bucknellian’s announcement on Jan. 27 that rapper Lil Wayne will perform at the University’s spring concert, students across campus rejoiced. “Weezy is lit, man. I can’t wait for the concert,” Parker von Williamsworth III ’17 said. The four-time Grammy award-winning artist...

Young Love: College student’s girl squad declares, ‘You can do better’

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor
February 2, 2017
Filed under Satire, Young Love

At 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday, a college junior heard the most inspiring words of her young life. “Jake was such a jerk last night,” the 20-year old said while sitting in a cramped downtown bistro with five of her closest friends. Her friends listened for two hours while waiting for their dirty...

The List: Things you lost and then posted about online that won’t be returned

Julia Friedman, Staff Writer
February 2, 2017
Filed under Satire, The List

1. Your Illesteva Leonard Tortoise sunglasses. 2. Your Prada sunglasses.  They were a birthday gift. 3. Your other sunglasses. 4. Your insulated tumbler cup. 5. Your Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. 6. Your iPad Mini. 7. Your FENDI water pipe. 8. Your winter jacket, that was last seen in the microwave at the...

University to implement ‘cell phone lanes’ for students who walk and text

Hannah Paton, Staff Writer
February 2, 2017
Filed under Satire

After a series of dangerous collisions between students staring at their phones while walking, the University has decided it is time to take action. Rather than opt for the health-beneficial bike lanes, the University will implement “cell phone lanes” so students can comfortably stare down into their...

Young Love: Places you ran into your high school ex over break

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor
January 26, 2017
Filed under Satire, Young Love

1. The grocery store. Both of your moms sent you out to grab last-minute ingredients for dinner. “Hey.” “Hey.” 2. The local coffee shop one Saturday morning. Since you’re both alone, you decided to have coffee together and catch up. “Well, you look great.” “Thanks, you...

The List: Events with higher attendance than Trump’s inauguration

Courtney Wren & Madeline Diamond, Satire Editor & Senior Editor
January 26, 2017
Filed under Satire, The List

A middle school chorus concert The grand opening of the new Perkins in Lewisburg Any given performance of “Hamilton” The Hollywood premiere of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” Amami on Sunday mornings A kindergarten graduation ceremony Sushihanna on Frid...

Insecure students seek validation through newly created “finsta” accounts

Insecure students seek validation through newly created “finsta” accounts

Maggie Carlson, Staff Writer
January 26, 2017
Filed under Satire

In a world where the only way to rise to the top of the social ladder is through social media fame, Instagram users on the University’s campus are scrambling to figure out how to increase their online presence. Bella Bucknell-West ’18 has maximized her Instagram social capital by boasting a high...

University professor lands Comedy Central special after first-week-of-class pun goes viral

Alex Hutchins, Contributing Writer
January 26, 2017
Filed under Satire

On the first day of classes at the University, Professor of English Damien Lockwood, who prefers his students address him simply as “Damien” or “Woody,” flipped off the lights in his cramped English 101 class and declared, “it’s showtime.” “We all turned to the projector, and on the...

English major secures coveted finance job, School of Management students revolt

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor
January 26, 2017
Filed under Satire

University students in the School of Management began protesting outside of the Career Development Center to show their dissatisfaction after learning that Elise Graham ’17, an English major, recently secured a job at IBS, a prestigious accounting firm. Those students, mainly accounting majors,...

University encourages students to crawl on hands and knees to avoid injuries (lawsuits)

University encourages students to crawl on hands and knees to avoid injuries (lawsuits)

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
January 25, 2017
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

In an email to students on Jan. 16, the University Safety Commission (USC) laid out several guidelines in hopes of keeping students safe and the University lawsuit-free in light of the current winter season. Some of the recommendations advise students to avoid falling on dangerous ice by walking on...

Liberal student returns to campus with different political views after spending all break with conservative family

Liberal student returns to campus with different political views after spending all break with conservative family

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor
December 1, 2016
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Self-proclaimed liberal student Camryn Carnegie ’18 returned to campus with changed political views after spending Thanksgiving break with her conservative family. “I don’t know what happened—I really loved going to Hillary rallies over the summer, but after listening to what Uncle Jimmy had...

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