BREAKING NEWS: Aunt calls for resignations of Biden, Harris

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

This week, U.S. President Joe Biden has fallen under extreme public scrutiny after your racist aunt demanded his, along with U.S. Vice President Kamala Harris’s, resignations.

Demands started surfacing less than a month after Biden’s inauguration, raising concerns about Biden’s ability to accomplish his promised sweeping agenda in the face of such entrenched opposition. Your aunt’s primary talking point has been Biden’s purposeful destruction of the country; she explains that agenda is promoted by his radical, far-left policies, some of which include strenuously maintaining the integrity of the oil industry, and the notoriously leftist tactic of means-testing an already-misleading stimulus amount to appeal to Republicans. Big government and Antifa are always up to something.

The movement began picking up momentum when other Facebook users began jumping on Aunt Carol’s band wagon. Disbarred attorney Rodolfo Juliano has been identified as a top supporter of these particular Facebook posts. In one popular comment, Juliano stated that “Biden is nothing compared to King Donald Trump. Sleepy Joe is the dirt Donald walks on. We must do nothing until Biden is removed and replaced by our Almighty savior.” Juliano has denied any connection to the Trump administration, citing the unimpeachably non-partisan nature of the law.

The movement does appear to have some internal tensions; there is internecine conflict, for instance, regarding the overarching narrative presented to Aunt Carol’s 79 Facebook friends. Critics have essentially resolved into two camps: the first represents those who believe Joe Biden is a bumbling idiot with zero governing acumen or capacity, while the second insist that he is a malicious traitor who has single-handedly orchestrated a fraud unparalleled in American history. An inside source, who asked to remain anonymous so as not to be caught cooperating with the mainstream media, tells the Bucknellian that these contradictions are likely to completely sever ties between the two camps in the coming weeks.

White House officials have refused comment on the skirmish, but appear by all accounts to be hunkering down in preparation for the long messaging battle against Aunt Carol’s far-reaching political influence.

For more information, check out your aunt’s Facebook page, where calls for resignation can be found amidst the spattering of offensive text posts and Garfield-centric image macros put out every seven minutes.

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