Google searches of the average college student

Sarah Petnuch

“Is it acceptable to wear sweatpants to frat parties?” 

We’ve all been there. It’s a Friday night. You were in class all day long, you came back to your room, took a fat nap and wake up feeling like you’ve lost all motor function. Then, lo and behold, your friends burst into your room all dressed up and ready to go, yelling that you better be ready to bounce in under five minutes. The thought of denim on your skin makes you ill, and sweatpants seem like the only feasible option. Of course, you risk getting the brief look up and down as you walk in the frat house, and leaving people to wonder, “… sweatpants?” But you don’t care because you’re comfy and hanging out with your friends; it’s the best of both worlds. Plus it shows you are very carefree and breezy if you’re into the whole male validation thing.

“How to get someone to stop throwing up” 

Picture this: you’re walking back from said frat house, dragging your intoxicated friends behind you. All of the sudden, one of them starts burping. Oh. No. It’s happening. You power walk back into your building, pulling her up the stairs, making it to the bathroom just in time for her to projectile-vomit her dinner all over the stall. People start to walk into the bathroom, take one glance at the scene, and turn right back around. Thankfully the RA on duty has seen this 17 times prior this same evening and is resigned from dealing with it. The smell is absolutely horrendous, and one hour later, she’s still puking. You begin to wonder how it’s possible for one person to have retained this much stomach content in the first place. “She has to be almost done,” you think to yourself. It’s been two hours and she’s still going. You’ve tried everything on the Internet to help this poor girl. Ginger ale, water, a loaf of bread. Nothing works. Finally, after almost falling asleep on the bathroom floor, you manage to haul your friend back to her room, leave a garbage can by her bed, and call it a night. Your friend may feel horrible tomorrow, but you’re going to give off Mother Teresa vibes.

“How to hack Moodle Grades” 

You check your phone and see that you just received an email from your professor saying, “Exam scores posted on Moodle!” You scramble to log on the Moodle to see your grade… and your stomach drops. Your jaw smacks the floor. A FIFTY? “There is no WAY that I got a 50 percent on this exam,” you think to yourself. This had to have been a typo. You scramble to write an email to your professor with the subject line reading “Confused??!!” He responds an hour later, and, unfortunately, the numbers didn’t lie. You only answered 20 out of the 40 questions correctly. This is going to absolutely tank your grade in the class, which would destroy your GPA. Your mind starts to spiral. Sweat gushes out of your pores. And then it hits you. You can just hack into Moodle and change your grade. That kid down the hall is a computer science major, he’ll be able to fix this in a split second, right? Wrong. Not only does he not know how to do it, but doesn’t want to be involved in grade fraud either. Can’t say I blame him. But alas, you take it upon yourself to get the job done. Hours are spent scrolling through hacking tutorials, but with no success. This leaves you with no choice but to take the L. As painful as it is to see that 50 percent on the grade page of Moodle, at least your integrity can remain intact.

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