Downtown house takes in a baby

Sarah Petnuch, Contributing Writer

We have all heard some version of this story: an abandoned baby is left on a doorstep, so the owner of the house takes it in and ends up providing the child with a beautiful life. It’s classic. It’s heartwarming. An event quite similar has recently occurred but with slightly different circumstances; the baby was left at an off-campus downtown house.

If you have ever been to a downtown house, you know quite well that it is not the best environment for raising a child. The floors are covered entirely in unidentified sludge and empty plastic cups, the countertops are sticky, the windows are broken and covered by pieces of cardboard from used pizza boxes and the bathroom desperately needs a visit from a plumber. There are choking hazards everywhere. You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to let my future child crawl on such a floor. I even feel a little nauseous going in there myself.

The brothers living in the house, however, took it upon themselves to create a safer space for the baby. The house was spotless, and so sterile that it could give an operating room a run for its money. With the help of multiple phone calls to parents, as well as “Your Baby’s First Year for Dummies,” the brothers actually did a shockingly good job caring for the baby, whom they decided to name Brad (no surprises there). The brothers learned how to fold a proper swaddle and bought a crib filled with baby toys. Some of the empty beer cans from the night prior also functioned as toys from time to time, but it’ll give the kid character. 

The refrigerator was stocked with both White Claws and formula, and the pantry with spray cheese and diapers. They even made a schedule taking turns changing Brad’s diaper and waking up in the middle of the night — or stepping anyway from their late hour activities — to feed him. The whole thing was quite an impressive feat. No one had expected a bunch of fraternity brothers to become such great fathers. They were no longer just brothers — they had built a family.

The brothers even threw Brad a baby shower-themed super, which captured the attention of every girl downtown that day. What a bonus! Everyone knows girls love guys with babies, and it rung true that fine Super Saturday. The other fraternities even ended up closing their supers early just to see what all the excitement was about. 

Eventually, they found a loving couple who was willing to adopt the baby. As saddened as they were to see baby Brad go, they realized how well the experience had prepared them to be dads one day. Plus, it was getting a little difficult to tend to a female companion while there was a crying baby in the background, so it was probably for the best. It was crazy how quickly their maturity had skyrocketed. There are many quotes about how “boys will be boys until [fill in the blank].” But these past few weeks added a new quote to that list: boys will be boys until they have to care for a baby.

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