Hookup culture is one of the most difficult things to navigate in college. The amount of unwritten rules that come along with it are insane. But no need to worry, I’m here to help you out. 

DISCLAIMER: your participation in said hookup culture is entirely up to you. Do as much or as little as you want; there is no judgement here. Take this advice with a grain of salt. Also ‘ray consent. 

Rule #1: You better not be there when the sun comes up.

Unless this person is your significant other, you better be up and outta there the moment you awaken, which needs to be as early as possible. There is nothing more annoying than a guy still hanging around your room when you’re trying to get ready for brunch with your homegirls. As painful as that walk of shame is, it has to be done. The earlier the better, and the less people will be out and about that could see you. Consider yourself a vampire.

Rule #2: Do not give your partner a hickey the day before his/her parents visit.

The opinions on hickeys vary from person to person. Some see it as a badge of honor, like “yeah I did that.” Others are embarrassed, feeling as though last night’s decisions are being exposed to the world. But, there is a certain group of people that all have the same opinion on hickeys, and those people are parents. And there is nothing quite like waking up with a fat hickey on your neck the day they are visiting. It will inevitably give you war flashbacks to freshman year of high school. Your friends are clowning you, your sister is constantly checking to make sure it’s still covered up — it’s a whole ordeal. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, just know that that light green blemish-covering makeup works WONDERS. If all else fails, swear on your life that it was a hair straightener.

Rule #3: Feelings — Avoid Them.

The final, and arguably most important, rule is to never, ever, under any circumstances, catch feelings for your hookup. Never ever. You need to go into this hookup as if it is a business transaction (a mutual and fully consensual one, of course). Nothing more than a simple trade of resources. Get in, do what you need to do and get out. Keep the cuddles to a minimum. And the giggling. And if you pause and smile at each other? It’s basically game over. Avoid that at all costs. Now, that being said, of course still be respectful and understanding of each other’s boundaries, but it is absolutely crucial that you keep them at an arm’s length. Also, there is no need to share or ask about personal information because that will only do damage and chances are you will never see this person again anyway. Or you will see them way too much. We’re looking for a happy medium here, folks.

Now like I said before, take all this information with a grain of salt. It’s just satire for crying out loud; all jokes here. Just remember to be safe, respect boundaries and most importantly: have fun! But not too much 😉