Shocking! Activities Fair Less Interesting Than Super Saturday

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

In what appeared to be a wildly successful attempt to completely extinguish student involvement in campus activities, the University planned the Activities Fair on the same day as the infamous first Super Saturday of the semester. Instead of putting on a nice outfit and mingling with newfound colleagues and acquaintances, first-year students were encouraged instead to engage in a riveting conversation with every club President who could not believe they were forced to attend just to collect a signup sheet with mostly invalid email addresses. 

While the event was largely received with shock and disappointment for those who aimed to attend, campus administrator, Otto Touch, was a huge proponent of holding the singular chance to engage students in the larger campus community on this particular date and time. “We, as faculty and staff, can see what the students want,” boasted Touch. “Every Thursday, I see students heading to class with an attitude of complete exhaustion. They are tired of ‘going out,’ and I am excited to give them another option, if only for a day.”

Upon further research, some students were tactical and calculated in their decision to forgo an invitation to explore the smorgasbord of clubs of which they would have the chance to attend a singular meeting before requesting their removal from the email chain. One student in particular, Rea Listic, really resonated with reporters. “I really feel like now is the time I need to get my priorities straight, you know? Like, if I plan to rush a top tier frat in a year, the connections start now, and putting myself out there at Super is the best way to do that,” Listic said.

To quite literally no one’s surprise, a total of 48 students attended the fair, including those running the organization booths. Some clubs were even so desperate to fill a single spot on their sign-up sheet that they opted to move their booth to the corner of St. Catherine Street and 7th Street to take advantage of the increased foot traffic in that region.

While some may say this incident was a fluke, expert club analysts warn that this could be the beginning of the end for many campus organizations. To mitigate the potential of a downward spiral, they are strongly advising the University to change their current plan of holding the 2022 Activities Fair on the first Friday of the semester at 9:30 p.m. 

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