Finally! Southern students literally fight the cold

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

As the leaves begin to change and a slight briskness fills the air, students from the southern regions of the country are becoming increasingly uncomfortable, but certainly not quieter.

Southern student, Savannah Georgia ’25, is entering her first winter on campus, and she won’t let you forget it. Sources close to the student report she has relentlessly brought up the fact that she didn’t even own a jacket prior to her coming to campus. “Bikinis and cowboy boots,” Georgia told reports when asked about her previous wardrobe.

Similarly, Charlotte C. North ’22, a veteran southern student on a northern campus, still can’t get used to the bitter winters. When asked which part of the year bothers her the most, North claimed mid-September through early April are especially brutal. Luckily, her campus seniority brings enough wisdom to begin bundling up with so many layers at the first sign of a breeze that her father is single handedly funding the VF Corporation that owns The North Face.

Unfortunately, this phenomena only applies to female students as the male students on campus have been found to wear shorts and— to the dismay of all— flip flops year-round.

The problem is only proliferated by the compounded insufferability of students from the northeast. Dan Bury ’23 of Connecticut plans to proudly ditch the Canada Goose this winter because, even in sub-zero temperatures, campus is “not even as close to as cold as it is at home,” said Bury.

These issues are creating stark polarization on campus, and the University is certainly hearing about it. In the wake of backlash accusing the University of doing too little to make students from all geographies comfortable, administrators have pledged to do better. In order to accomplish this lofty goal, the president has made it his personal mission to cease all climate change combating measures previously promised to the campus community, with hopes of making everyone a little more comfortable in the winter months.

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