Absolutely Fyre commencement speaker eyes Class of 2023 spot

Juliette Gaggini, Satire Co-Editor

The University has a long-standing tradition of choosing well respected, accomplished and successful people – often alumni – to inspire drive and excitement for the graduating class. They hope to animate students to achieve the unachievable upon exiting the gates they had entered only four mere years prior. With the recent announcement of the 2022 commencement speaker, University graduate Daisy Auger-Domínguez ’95, next year’s senior class, the class of 2023, was eager to find out who their commencement speaker would be.

While commencement speakers are generally driven and successful people, such as Auger-Domínguez, rumor has it that the class of 2023 has something else in mind for their speaker. 

According to a member of the class of 2023, former University student – but not graduate– Billy McFarland will give a tell-all virtual speech to the class of 2023 from his federal prison cell. This student claims he knows McFarland through “family connections” and that he has already agreed to take on the role of commencement speaker.

Though host to many accolades, McFarland is most commonly known for his position as co-founder of the infamous “Fyre Festival,” which landed him six years in jail and the title “Fraudster” adorning his Wikipedia page. 

For those who are unfamiliar with McFarland and his years as a “con artist” (the student prefers ‘confidence entrepreneur’), he convinced famous people they were going to a luxury music festival in the Bahamas; in reality they were met with tents, boxed sandwiches, and no way out from the large-scale frat party on a beach. McFarland tricked influencers and artists into promoting the event, thinking it would be better than Coachella while secretly committing investment fraud. 

Some students are outraged by the idea of allowing a con artist to speak at graduation, but others are passionate about the drive and hard work demonstrated by McFarland. “I mean yeah, he only made it through his first-year here before dropping out, but I think his impact on our school is huge and we gotta respect that,” stated a student and McFarland fan.

Another student was optimistic about McFarland, saying, “Well I heard if he’s our speaker, Kendall Jenner will be at commencement.”

Keep an eye out on your email, fellow Bucknellians; BSG will soon send out a poll to figure out if the Class of 2023 is ready for McFarland’s wisdom. Reportedly, he’s already refining his opening line – “Do I have a business opportunity for you all…”

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