Will Luckey
Contributing Writer
We have a saying in my family: “Don’t spare the old homestead, mother. Burn the f#@%ing place.” It means don’t be a nostalgic wuss. But it’s always good to come home, and I am definitely excited to see the alumni coming back to campus for homecoming. This is just a taste of what you can expect this weekend:
You have a chance to catch up with some old friends
Maybe you will go golfing with some of them
You get to ogle that senior broad from your first-year econ class once more
Maybe she will notice how much you have changed since then and finally talk to you
But no …
Oh screw her, she doesn’t look that great anyway
You will be shown between six and 10 business cards
You will hear all about how awful the “real world” is
You will learn that wearing a tie during the week does not necessarily make you more mature
Even though they might think they are royalty; showing up with their high-finagled finance talk, fountain pens, court jesters, dressed all frilly and powdered up
They might refer to you as peasants, and you absolutely cannot look them in the eye
Sometimes they even claim prima-nocta on first-year girls
They might barge into their old first-year room and claim “Noble Dominion” over your Vladimir
They will break all of your windows–and anything you thought was safe, really
You will learn what French-cuffs are, and how “the point of a wife is to help you put them on”
Friday night your girlfriend will sleep with an alumni (but it’s okay, they had a thing when she was a sophomore and he was senior)
On Saturday you try to cry a little about last night in private, a nice alumni sees and lets you dry your eyes with his $90 Brooks Brothers pocket square
Now the guy who slept with your girlfriend slaps you with a white glove, and you have to duel him with pistols at the Super Saturday for her honor
It turns out 17th Century flintlocks are harder to work than you think.
But he brings you a Yuengling while you’re being bandaged up, and then takes you out to Skeeter’s in his leased BMW.
You talk about his job and he connects with you on LinkedIn, vaguely mentioning an internship
I guess despite the fact that they take to our campus like the Visigoths on Rome, the alumni are fun