My New Year’s Resolutions
I know January is almost over, and these may be a little late, but I guess some editors live by the motto: “What the hell, let’s just take a month off, people don’t need the news or anything.” Here are my aspirations for 2014:
Reclaim all of my jackets I lost at downtown parties, you thieving rats
Stop saying, “Well it’s about time!” when people tell me their resolutions to lose weight
Get a cool nickname like “Jack knife” or “Shooga-man”
Loose the nickname “Donkey brains”
Stop promising orphans I’ll adopt them if they follow me on Instagram
Give Lisa Lapp a ticket and tell her “Hey, I don’t make the rules” when she complains
Convince everyone the Southern Comfort section in the Bison was my idea
Get rid of the stray cats by luring them into the Susquehanna River like St. Patrick
Subsequently plead guilty for hundreds of counts of animal cruelty
Make “have at it, hoss” my new saying
Convince people the video of Rob Ford smoking crack was just me in a fat-suit
Protest the Sochi Olympics because “Sochi” sounds like a city full of fairies
Be more honest when taking online quizzes
Give up stop signs for Lent
Not get scammed again by Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes filled with spiders–turns out they were just homeless people
Last year, I sold a bunch of sixth graders bags of oregano for $40 a gram; might jack those prices up this year
Stop calling Judy Mickanis at 3 a.m. begging/threatening her to bring back House Party … I guess she has no power over that
Start scalping tickets to basketball games
Last summer, I hit a deer with my car and just threw the carcass in a dumpster, so maybe be more respectful to animals?
Talk about how much I can’t wait to go to spring concert, then bail out at the last second
Apologize to the Harry Potter House for casting the Cruciatus Curse against all of them
Convince my parents that conduct points go up to 100
Stop saying, “I know you are but what am I?” when the Dean tells me I’m no longer welcome at the University