Intense Friday night study session shut down by PSAFE

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

This past weekend featured one of the quietest Welcome Nights for University Greek life in recent history. Stringent regulations and new players in the Interfraternity Council forced many on-campus fraternities to cancel their celebrations to avoid legal ramifications. With the big risks finally taken care of, the Public Safety officers on duty believed they were in for their first relaxing Friday night in many years. They were wrong.

“We got the call from Bertrand Library around 11:35,” said an anonymous Public Safety officer. “The voice on the other end was hysterical, claiming that chaos had broken out on the second floor and that they needed back-up as soon as possible.”

Every available officer on duty immediately swarmed the library. According to all three students at the scene, the team scaled the stairwell and found the source of the call, who was crying in the corner by the door leading into the second floor.

“She was a mess on the floor,” said the anonymous officer. “She kept yelling about how there were about four students in one of the group study rooms and that they were being so loud. We called an ambulance and sent her to the hospital immediately.”

After the victim was taken care of, the officers sought out the delinquents responsible. They found the group of first-years in a corner room with several physics textbooks and various worksheets filled with incomprehensible formulas. The four students in question were taking a break from studying by watching Netflix on their laptops and drinking several bottles of highly-caffeinated soda. The group was apprehended without hesitation.

“This sort of behavior will not be tolerated on this fine campus,” said one of the officers who made the arrest. “The laptop volume was up almost to the halfway mark, loud enough to distract anyone trying to study in peace. This is an insult to the sacred institution of higher education and we will be pursuing legal action.”

When asked about his thoughts on the Bertrand arrest, one of the members of the group, John Doe ’21 had little to say.

“We should have just shut the party down,” said Doe, clearly under the influence of high concentrations of sugar and caffeine. “In retrospect, it was a good thing PSAFE got there before things got out of control.”

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