Students living in Vedder Hall received a rude awakening early Sunday afternoon by what was reported to be a loud, feminine shriek. Witnesses have stated that the sound disrupted everything in the building, even the sleep of hungover residents. There were reports of tremors and glass breaking before the dorm fell into chaos.
After a thorough investigation by campus officials, it was determined that Kendall Tripp ’22 was the cause. At approximately 1:17 p.m., Tripp fell directly into Vedder’s now gargantuan sidewalk hole while texting his friends, releasing a scream that violated all known laws of physics and registered on the Richter scale.
Once the emergency was discovered, the entire campus mobilized, causing several local police forces and the National Guard to be deployed in response. Tripp’s retrieval has since become a national event that has kept faithful viewers on the edge of their seats.
Luckily, Tripp still has impeccable phone service as he continues his descent towards the Earth’s core. During a Skype interview, Tripp used harsh words to describe his critics and the faulty caution tape that led to his downfall.
“I pay $60,000 for tuition and this is what I get?” Tripp said, now on the last 15 percent of his phone’s battery life. “You all laugh now, but when I get back up there I’m contacting my lawyer.”
For those looking for answers, none have been found. Since Tripp fell into the pit, eight fire engines, two ambulances, and a life flight from the hospital have been dispatched, but currently none have found a way to get Tripp out of the hole.
“The problem has been exacerbated by the fact that Tripp has not stopped playing 8-Ball Pool since he fell in,” an anonymous Public Safety officer said. “We figure that when his battery runs out, we’ll lose contact with him entirely.”
“It’s a race against time,” Gruff Anderson, an EMT present at the emergency retrieval, said.
Whatever the outcome, all of Tripp’s professors have assured us that he will still have to finish his problem sets by Friday night, or whenever he decides to return to the Earth’s surface.