McDonnell Hall issues cease and desist to first-year’s early Christmas celebration

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

University officials have received word that a student by the name of Jen “Jingle” Bells ’22 has been issued a formal cease and desist by the rest of her hallmates in McDonnell Hall, 4NW. According to one of her hallmates, Bells has spent every day since Halloween decorating her hall with Christmas decorations despite the protests from her close friends.

Hanna Kah ’22, an outspoken critic of the early holiday decorating, was eager to express her opinions about the formal letter delivered to Bells’ campus mailbox.

“We needed to take a stand,” Kah said. “She had Michael Bublé on 24 hours a day. She never slept. When we all woke up in the morning, we found her in the common room baking gingerbread cookies and wrapping gifts. It’s still November!”

A team of investigators came to examine the hall-wide damage purported by Bells’ neighbors. The sheer amount of decorations was staggering: paper snowflakes on every surface, a real Christmas tree in every corner of the common room, Secret Santa gifts littered in front of all the doors, and industrial-sized Christmas lights illuminating the entire building. The head of the investigation team had to be evacuated immediately for eye surgery following the near-blinding discovery.

While the cease and desist appeared final, Bells has no intention of backing down.

“They who have not Christmas in their heart will never find it under a tree,” Bells said while watching “A Christmas Story” for the 12th time. “I don’t care if it’s November or the middle of April, these halls are going to be decked whether they like it or not.”

There has been no word from the University administration as to whether or not Bells will need to be removed from McDonnell by force. A public seminar emphasizing the importance of not completely skipping over Thanksgiving will be held in Walls Lounge this coming Thursday.

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