After four long years of keeping her fellow students in a state of perpetual danger, Laura Fuentes ’19 was finally granted permission by Public Safety to make Easy Mac without the supervision of her mom and/or a trained professional from the Lewisburg Fire Department.
Despite clearly being at fault for her misinterpretation of the simple, easy-to-read set of directions, Fuentes continued to refer to the fact that she is a creative writing major as the reason for her disastrous cooking skills.
Fuentes further argued her point in a rambling, novel-length e-mail to The Bucknellian.
“See, in the literary world, nothing is as it seems. There are tunnels underneath every word, every sentence, every phrase, every paragraph,” Fuentes wrote. “All possibilities need careful consideration, so you can understand why the sentence ADD WATER TO FILL-LINE IN CUP, STIR has an infinite amount of meanings to me, especially when there is no context to distinguish what emotional state the cup is in.”
Fuentes then began to discuss the philosophy and psychology behind the instructions printed on the container.
“What was the author’s intention when writing out these directions? Personally, when I read the word ‘water,’ my mind goes to the time I almost drowned in Lake Michigan,” Fuentes said. “How do I show that I have overcome my fear of water? Since the opposite of water is fire, the next logical step would be to metaphorically burn down my past or literally burn down the kitchen, which is why fire damage restoration is currently underway on the fourth floor of Hunt Hall.”
Since her last mishap, Fuentes has received extensive training on when and when not to apply her college education to real-world situations. Her peers are thankful for this assistance, as evidenced by a press release prepared by her roommate from the burn unit of the Evangelical Community Hospital.
“I am relieved to know that when I get back to campus after my skin graft surgery, I will no longer need to constantly be prepared for the evacuation of my dorm because Laura overanalyzed Easy Mac directions again.”