Statisticians and animal behavior specialists were especially perplexed on the afternoon of March 20. After three years of research and analysis, they have proven that Animal Behavior Professor Rivera’s long-haired chihuahua is, at any given moment, 100 percent likely to be the smartest person in her University classroom. The dog, Peanut, scored a 300 on an IQ test, breaking all preconceived notions about her intelligence.
“We always knew that canines were an intelligent species, but I suppose we never truly understood how far down the rabbit hole it would go,” Intelligence Analyst Robert Woofer said.
The study confirms centuries-old accounts that super-intelligent canines do in fact exist and roam the world independently, looking for humans to dominate. Rumor has it that in the Soviet Union in the early 1950s, a dog named Laika enslaved humanity in order to send her back to space, ultimately sparking the historic Space Race.
Over time, these rumors have all but vanished, although observers now wonder what Peanut’s motivations could be in choosing the University as her home and what her goals are. Rivera made a public statement defending the dog’s obvious good nature.
“Just look at that face,” Rivera said. “Would such a slobbery, good little girl ever even hurt a fly?”
Peanut remains a mystery, and those with leads as to what this dog could possibly be doing mingling with lower-level beings are recommended to send a tip to The Bucknellian.