‘Hot Girl Summer’ sweeps administration

Amy Schlussler and Bridget Beljan, Satire Co-Editors

While Bucknellians escaped to their Hampton summer homes and set off to the Jersey Shore, the University decided to treat itself to a hot girl summer. From the completion of Academic East to the shiny new package center, renovations seem to pop up along every new corner. 

The University’s new makeover did not go unnoticed as students returned to campus last week.  

Perhaps what drew the most attention was the casual $38 million manicure that the plot of land behind Bertrand got with the addition of Academic East. The Bucknellian spoke to Professor Poli, who is ecstatic about the newest addition.

“Breakiron has been nothing but an eyesore since my first year at the University,” Poli said. “The monstrosity of Academic East gives my colleagues and I quite the aesthetic to admire from our offices in Academic West.”

Though the much-anticipated building brought about mostly positive reactions, the green-eyed monster seemed to be consuming some of the students whose majors reside in older buildings.  

“I don’t see the big deal about engineering and education,” George Rock ’20 said. “The University should show geology majors some love. If they can’t even specify the longitudinal shift the building has away from Academic West and the history behind the ground it lays upon, they don’t deserve the facilities.”

The Bison also saw a massive renovation, namely the removal of the seating stage.  This new facelift raised havoc among the University’s female population. The Bucknellian spoke with Sarah Sendit ’22 regarding the situation.

“As a girl who loves elevated surfaces, I was disappointed when I walked into the Bison last Monday. I realized I would no longer get a view above everyone,” Sendit said. “I’ll miss the Bison’s stage, but I know I can still find plenty of elevated surfaces on St. Catherine Street on any night from Wednesday to Saturday.”

In response to the high volume of Amazon packages received daily, the mailroom decided to undergo a hot girl summer, as well, through the installation of hip package receptacles, because, after all, who reads letters anymore? 

“No one,” was the resounding reply. “No one reads letters anymore.”

(Visited 80 times, 1 visits today)