The University has struggled with housing options since the erection of the ever-so distractingly named “Bucknell West Apartments.” Shortly after the University president released a statement voicing that “no one wants to donate money for housing,” officials came forward with an announcement regarding housing.
Interim Dean for University Housing Inclusion Stephen Stuffjan came before a crowd of around a dozen.
“Today is a beautiful day for Lewisburg and the world. We will be tearing down the Mods!” Stuffjan said. Recognizing the unfortunate sophomore housing by its actual name was enough to draw a massive crowd of hundreds.
“The isolation of our athletes is no more. After tearing down the Mods,” Stuffjan added, “we will be building a state-of-the-art residence hall. It’ll be a central hub, with eight spokes, all singles or doubles with private bathrooms. Additionally, the RAs will all live in a watchtower above the hall’s hub. While there may not be any common spaces, it will definitely serve the needs of our student body.”
A yell came from the crowd. Witnesses were able to confirm that a student shouted, “Isn’t that Eastern State Penitentiary?” Embarrassed, Stuffjan blushed and did some quick Googling on his phone, before going back to the microphone.
“No, it’s not going to be anything like that. Not at all, nope. It’s for our good students, those who need to be far away from literally anything of interest. It’ll be especially good for students who want to be physically watched by their RA 24/7. How could students not want that?”
These concerns were amplified by a significant portion of the student body, so administrators are going back to the drawing board. An internal source states that the primary focus, after the Eastern State Penitentiary clone, has been on constructing another Vedder Hall on top of the old Mods site. Only time will tell whether the University decides to repeat those old mistakes, and hopefully build a figurative prison instead of a less figurative prison.