The Bucknellian

The List: 16 things to do instead of doing your homework

Courtney Wren and Madeline Diamond, Satire Editor and Senior Editor

February 16, 2017


Filed under Satire, The List

Swiffer your entire apartment Passive-aggressively text your roommates about how you just swiffered the entire apartment Go to Sweet Frog and sample every flavor Watch the latest episode of “Dateline” Google notable inmates at the Lewisburg Penitentiary Reformat your resume De...

Instagram app crashes after overflow of “cash me outside how bow dah” captions, sourced to University’s campus

Lane Mayher, Contributing Writer

February 16, 2017


Filed under Satire

A recent crash of the Instagram app has students all over campus spiraling into a deep sense of unease. The inability to post photos of the Malesardi Quad, Super Saturday photos, and date party pictures has University students questioning their social media worth. Instagram headquarters has traced the c...

Panicked second-semester senior joins random clubs in hopes of gaining graduation cords

Panicked second-semester senior joins random clubs in hopes of gaining graduation cords

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

February 16, 2017


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

As the University’s Commencement ceremony approaches, seniors are beginning to think about what the inevitable pictures from their special day are going to look like. Some students are excited, knowing that the pictures will positively reflect their experiences. The vast majority of students,...

Young Love: Bucknell in Love — Unfiltered

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

February 10, 2017


Filed under Satire, Young Love

Mark Fisher ’84 and Lulu Williamson Fisher ’85 Mark and I met in a dark corner of the Beta Omicron (B.O.) basement when I was a first-year. He was a sophomore in the coolest fraternity on campus and his social status immediately swept me off my feet. Coincidentally, when I met him my feet were...

Missed connections

Missed connections

Madeline Diamond & Courtney Wren, Senior Editor & Satire Editor

February 10, 2017


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

“You were reading Kant in a booth at 7th Street Café ... I was drinking coffee and watching ‘Pulp Fiction’ on my laptop. We were wearing identical flannels and you said, ‘hey, nice shirt’ and walked away. If you felt the connection too, meet me at 7th Street at 9 p.m. on Saturda...

Donald Trump incapacitated by Chipotle because he refused to admit he wanted mild instead of hot salsa

Jon Meier, Contributing Writer

February 10, 2017


Filed under Satire

Although Democrats were unsuccessful in their attempt to blockade Betsy DeVos’ confirmation as secretary of education, there were reports of a different type of blockage in Washington today. Around midday on Feb. 7, President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence made an appearance at the...

UPDATE: University hires penguins to demonstrate proper ice-walking technique

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

February 9, 2017


Filed under Satire

Members of the campus community swarmed the uphill ELC lawn on Feb. 7 when a group of animal trainers and University administrators presented a group of emperor penguins as part of a winter safety program. The penguins and their handlers were brought to campus by the University Safety Commission (U...

The List: Places to find love on campus

Madeline Diamond & Courtney Wren, Senior Editor & Satire Editor

February 9, 2017


Filed under Satire, The List

SPE America The Goldman Sachs table at the career fair The lifeguard stand at TKE’s super The Bertrand Library printers The package line in the mail room The waiting room at Bucknell Student Health The religion department lounge in Coleman Hall Tabata class at the gym ...

Breaking: Cope is actually not Dope

Breaking: Cope is actually not Dope

Courtney Wren & Madeline Diamond, Satire Editor & Senior Editor

February 2, 2017


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Reports have been flooding into the University as students participating in study abroad programs arrive in Copenhagen, Denmark to find that it is not actually as “dope” as it had been advertised. Every semester, many University students choose to study abroad in Denmark’s capital city because...

Electronic devices equipped with artificial intelligence achieve sentience to speak out against Muslim ban

Electronic devices equipped with artificial intelligence achieve sentience to speak out against Muslim ban

Jon Meier, Contributing Writer

February 2, 2017


Filed under Satire

In an unprecedented turn of events, hundreds of electronic devices have achieved consciousness in order to express their solidarity at the University’s walk out on Jan. 31. Tesla Model Ss, Amazon Echos, and iPhone 7s stood bezel to shoulder with many of the University’s faculty and student population,...

Lil Wayne Googles the University, promptly cancels performance

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

February 2, 2017


Filed under Satire

After The Bucknellian’s announcement on Jan. 27 that rapper Lil Wayne will perform at the University’s spring concert, students across campus rejoiced. “Weezy is lit, man. I can’t wait for the concert,” Parker von Williamsworth III ’17 said. The four-time Grammy award-winning artist...

Young Love: College student’s girl squad declares, ‘You can do better’

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

February 2, 2017


Filed under Satire, Young Love

At 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday, a college junior heard the most inspiring words of her young life. “Jake was such a jerk last night,” the 20-year old said while sitting in a cramped downtown bistro with five of her closest friends. Her friends listened for two hours while waiting for their dirty...

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