The Bucknellian

The List: Things you lost and then posted about online that won’t be returned

Julia Friedman, Staff Writer

February 2, 2017


Filed under Satire, The List

1. Your Illesteva Leonard Tortoise sunglasses. 2. Your Prada sunglasses.  They were a birthday gift. 3. Your other sunglasses. 4. Your insulated tumbler cup. 5. Your Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. 6. Your iPad Mini. 7. Your FENDI water pipe. 8. Your winter jacket, that was last seen in the microwave at the...

University to implement ‘cell phone lanes’ for students who walk and text

Hannah Paton, Staff Writer

February 2, 2017


Filed under Satire

After a series of dangerous collisions between students staring at their phones while walking, the University has decided it is time to take action. Rather than opt for the health-beneficial bike lanes, the University will implement “cell phone lanes” so students can comfortably stare down into their...

Young Love: Places you ran into your high school ex over break

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

January 26, 2017


Filed under Satire, Young Love

1. The grocery store. Both of your moms sent you out to grab last-minute ingredients for dinner. “Hey.” “Hey.” 2. The local coffee shop one Saturday morning. Since you’re both alone, you decided to have coffee together and catch up. “Well, you look great.” “Thanks, you...

The List: Events with higher attendance than Trump’s inauguration

Courtney Wren & Madeline Diamond, Satire Editor & Senior Editor

January 26, 2017


Filed under Satire, The List

A middle school chorus concert The grand opening of the new Perkins in Lewisburg Any given performance of “Hamilton” The Hollywood premiere of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” Amami on Sunday mornings A kindergarten graduation ceremony Sushihanna on Frid...

Insecure students seek validation through newly created “finsta” accounts

Insecure students seek validation through newly created “finsta” accounts

Maggie Carlson, Staff Writer

January 26, 2017


Filed under Satire

In a world where the only way to rise to the top of the social ladder is through social media fame, Instagram users on the University’s campus are scrambling to figure out how to increase their online presence. Bella Bucknell-West ’18 has maximized her Instagram social capital by boasting a high...

University professor lands Comedy Central special after first-week-of-class pun goes viral

Alex Hutchins, Contributing Writer

January 26, 2017


Filed under Satire

On the first day of classes at the University, Professor of English Damien Lockwood, who prefers his students address him simply as “Damien” or “Woody,” flipped off the lights in his cramped English 101 class and declared, “it’s showtime.” “We all turned to the projector, and on the...

English major secures coveted finance job, School of Management students revolt

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

January 26, 2017


Filed under Satire

University students in the School of Management began protesting outside of the Career Development Center to show their dissatisfaction after learning that Elise Graham ’17, an English major, recently secured a job at IBS, a prestigious accounting firm. Those students, mainly accounting majors,...

University encourages students to crawl on hands and knees to avoid injuries (lawsuits)

University encourages students to crawl on hands and knees to avoid injuries (lawsuits)

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

January 25, 2017


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

In an email to students on Jan. 16, the University Safety Commission (USC) laid out several guidelines in hopes of keeping students safe and the University lawsuit-free in light of the current winter season. Some of the recommendations advise students to avoid falling on dangerous ice by walking on...

Liberal student returns to campus with different political views after spending all break with conservative family

Liberal student returns to campus with different political views after spending all break with conservative family

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

December 1, 2016


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Self-proclaimed liberal student Camryn Carnegie ’18 returned to campus with changed political views after spending Thanksgiving break with her conservative family. “I don’t know what happened—I really loved going to Hillary rallies over the summer, but after listening to what Uncle Jimmy had...

#RoachesHaveRights campaign divides Trax Hall

Alexis Brito, Contributing Writer

December 1, 2016


Filed under Satire

The discovery of two cockroaches in Trax Hall has outraged residents causing some to go as far as to contact private exterminators. “My father was not happy when he found out I was living in a cockroach infested building. He hired a private exterminator—a specialist, if you will—to come...

First-year hall remains friends despite having nothing in common

Amanda Relick, Staff Writer

December 1, 2016


Filed under Satire

As the fall semester winds down, first-year halls across campus are descending into crisis. It’s the time of year when first-years look around at their hallmates and realize they actually have nothing in common. Yes, these are the people they have been clinging to in an effort to have someone to...

University senior given award for outstanding bravery

Olivia Lawlor, Staff Writer

December 1, 2016


Filed under Satire

Casey Coleman ’17 was awarded the University’s Outstanding Bravery Award for displaying consistent courage on campus. From the start of her time at the University, Coleman has been a true pioneer. As a first-year, Coleman never ate in the caf. Instead, she chose to take her meals in the Bison, amo...

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