The Bucknellian

RA holds meeting to warn students about venemous paralyzing spiders, gets bitten mid-meeting

RA holds meeting to warn students about venemous paralyzing spiders, gets bitten mid-meeting

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

September 22, 2016


Filed under Satire

After news of last week’s paralytic spider infestation in several dorms, Residential Advisors (RAs) across campus held hall meetings to address the situation. Since several students have been bitten and required treatment at the local hospital, RAs felt the need to prepare their residents for possible...

Bucknell to become fully Amish by Fall 2017

Stephanie Garboski, Contributing Writer

September 22, 2016


Filed under Satire

University officials decided on Sept. 19 to transition into a fully functioning Amish community by Fall 2017. The transition will begin immediately with the removal of all desktop computers and will continue through winter break with the removal of all heating and cooling units within academic and...

Students discover weekly newspaper after seeing reports of decapitation

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

September 22, 2016


Filed under Satire

Students have begun reading what is reported to be the University’s only student-run newspaper. It is rumored that many of these students were unaware the newspaper existed until recently, when the paper reported on a decapitation that occurred while filming a sorority recruitment video. “My friend...

Students forced to hide political paraphernalia during Family Weekend

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

September 22, 2016


Filed under Satire

Sept. 23-25 marks the University’s annual Family Weekend, during which parents come to visit and judge their college-aged children’s habits. Some students are reportedly trying to avoid their parents’ judgment by hiding any political paraphernalia and suggesting that their roommates tone down their...

Students demand justice for Bertrand’s inadequate staplers

Students demand justice for Bertrand’s inadequate staplers

Olivia Lawlor, Contributing Writer

September 22, 2016


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

While several issues need to be addressed regarding Bertrand Library, the most egregious atrocity is the lack of functioning staplers. Just ask any student standing in line for the printers at 7:50 a.m. After students finally receive their printed assignments, they carry the false hope that they...

The List: 8 ways to make the University a better place

Julia Friedman, Special Features Layout Editor

September 22, 2016


Filed under Satire, The List

1. Gather up all unattended items at the library and turn them in to the Switchboard! Someone will be so happy to have their stuff returned to them. 2. Hold the door for everyone, even at that awkward distance where you have to wait just a few seconds too long and the other person has to sprint. 3....

Overachieving triple-major student skips first class, feels incredible rush

Hannah Paton, Contributing Writer

September 15, 2016


Filed under Satire

Last week, Katie Rainey2 ’18, triple major in puppetry, bowling management, and hot dog eating, skipped the first class of her college career. At 11:03 a.m. on Monday, Sept. 12, Rainey2 reeled with excitement as she sat in the Bison, purposefully missing a lecture in her accounting & financial...

Downtown café closes; students chain themselves to building in protest

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

September 15, 2016


Filed under Satire

On Sept. 12, Vedder Sojka, the owner of popular downtown café Salami, announced that he will close the café. Sojka was forced to close his café due to high property taxes. The news is swift and its effects are immediate; the business plans to close by Saturday. Upon hearing this news, many students...

Professor wishes that one student would just shut up and stop participating

Carolyn Hickey, Contributing Writer

September 15, 2016


Filed under Satire

A University professor, who prefers to remain anonymous, reports that she would like that one student in her class who answers every question to just stop. “Every time I ask a question, his hand shoots up, and as soon as he puts his hand up, everyone else puts his or hers down. It totally...

University introduces new course in meme culture

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

September 15, 2016


Filed under Satire

After overwhelming student interest, the University is now offering a course covering modern internet culture. Due to its far-reaching relevance across academic disciplines, the course Global Memes and a Brief History of Internet Culture will be cross-listed in sociology, anthropology, computer science,...

The List: Things we would rather do than go to the Bison at noon

Courtney Wren and Carolyn Hickey

September 15, 2016


Filed under Satire, The List

Shave our right eyebrows Go to prison Get a splinter Take two exams in a row Make small talk with a professor before class Wait in line at an uphill register in January Recruitment (practice and the real thing) Solicit our peers to buy MGMT 101 products Be someone's proxy...

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