The Bucknellian

Shocking new research shows University squirrels exhibit human behavior

Olivia Lawlor, Contributing Writer

October 20, 2016


Filed under Satire

University student Carrie Coleman ’17 made a groundbreaking discovery the week of Oct. 17 during her observational study of the University squirrels. Coleman, an animal behavior major, decided to investigate the odd behavior of University squirrels. She hypothesized that the squirrels’ behavior...

Tree-climbing team goes undercover to find out what ‘locker room talk’ actually is

Amanda Relick, Staff Writer

October 20, 2016


Filed under Satire

Earlier this week the University's women’s tree-climbing team decided to pay a secret visit to the lair of their nemesis, the men’s bobsledding team, after hearing rumors about slanderous "locker room talk." The two teams have been sworn enemies after only three of the seven tree-climbing team...

Young Love: Homecoming of the ‘nice guy’

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

October 20, 2016


Filed under Satire, Young Love

Parker rested the back of his head on his seat as he sat in traffic on Friday afternoon. Soon he would be re-immersed in the college life he had been deprived of for the last five months. In a mere three hours he would be standing on a lawn with all of his “brothers” screaming obscenities and recklessly de...

How to network at a career fair

Hannah Paton, Contributing Writer

October 20, 2016


Filed under Satire

1.     Wake up (hopefully) before the career fair starts 2.     Put on your best slightly-ill-fitting pantsuit 3.     Print out resumé on specific resumé paper from CDC 4.     Spend 15 minutes trying to discern the difference between CDC resumé paper and regular printer paper 5.     G...

Ken Bone is officially the fastest meme to rise and fall in the history of the internet

Ken Bone is officially the fastest meme to rise and fall in the history of the internet

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 20, 2016


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Just as quickly as he won America’s hearts two weeks ago at the second presidential debate, Kenneth Bone, also known as “The Bone Zone,” swiftly lost his place as the debate’s cute, redeeming comic relief due to his questionable Reddit history. During the short, but very sweet, spot between...

Students sign downtown lease, try to forget about the previous tenants

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

October 20, 2016


Filed under Satire

The University released the highly anticipated downtown housing lottery numbers on Oct. 17. Immediately after, rising seniors battled for houses on the coveted 6th, 7th, St. Catherine, and Market Street, not caring which house they signed, as long as they signed a house. While many of the best leases...

The List: Sights we saw at The Hunt

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 20, 2016


Filed under Satire, The List

  Women taking Instagram photos in turtlenecks, suede skirts, and mirrored sunglasses Men in identical plaid button ups, khakis, and Timberland boots People drinking bottles of champagne while standing in the sunroof of Range Rovers Frye boots (or boots of equal or greater value) c...

University places admissions ban on students from Fairfield County

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 6, 2016


Filed under Satire

FREAS HALL—Due to overwhelming complaints from both students and faculty, the University has officially banned applicants for the class of 2021 from Fairfield County, Conn. A recent report* found that nearly half of the student body hails from this small region of southwestern Connecticut, while...

Application to be Senior Girl’s boyfriend

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

October 6, 2016


Filed under Satire, Young Love

If you’re reading this you are either just as washed up as Senior Girl is or you’re naïvely looking for a date party invite. Either way, in order to apply to be this Senior Girl’s boyfriend you will need to exactly fit the following criteria: -Never look at any other female ever, only Senior ...

Female student feels conflicted after meeting roommate’s ‘hot dad’

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 6, 2016


Filed under Satire

Lauren Smith-Vedder ’20 was one of many first-year students who eagerly awaited Family Weekend, from Sept. 23-25. After being at the University for over a month, she was excited to be reunited with her parents (but mostly her goldendoodle, Snickers). After showing her parents around campus on Friday...

Solidarity ‘March’ loses out to March Madness

Stephanie Garboski, Contributing Writer

October 6, 2016


Filed under Satire

As part of the Solidarity March on Oct. 4., students proceeded from Malesardi Quad to Hufnagle Park, where other students and community members made speeches and gave performances. Many reported a sense of oneness among the student body and faculty in attendance. I interviewed student leaders,...

The List: Appropriate places for seniors to look for post-graduation jobs

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 6, 2016


Filed under Satire, The List

1. Roommate’s CEO mother 2. “Help Wanted” signs 3. Previous intern supervisor’s sister’s nephew’s company 4. Father’s best friend’s company 5. Best friend’s father’s company 6. Last week's match on Tinder 7. The bartender at Townie T. 8. Sister's ex-boyfriend 9. Cat’s groomer ...

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