The Bucknellian

University places admissions ban on students from Fairfield County

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 6, 2016

FREAS HALL—Due to overwhelming complaints from both students and faculty, the University has officially banned applicants for the class of 2021 from Fairfield County, Conn. A recent report* found that nearly half of the student body hails from this small region of southwestern Connecticut, while...

Application to be Senior Girl’s boyfriend

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

October 6, 2016

If you’re reading this you are either just as washed up as Senior Girl is or you’re naïvely looking for a date party invite. Either way, in order to apply to be this Senior Girl’s boyfriend you will need to exactly fit the following criteria: -Never look at any other female ever, only Senior ...

Female student feels conflicted after meeting roommate’s ‘hot dad’

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 6, 2016

Lauren Smith-Vedder ’20 was one of many first-year students who eagerly awaited Family Weekend, from Sept. 23-25. After being at the University for over a month, she was excited to be reunited with her parents (but mostly her goldendoodle, Snickers). After showing her parents around campus on Friday...

Solidarity ‘March’ loses out to March Madness

Stephanie Garboski, Contributing Writer

October 6, 2016

As part of the Solidarity March on Oct. 4., students proceeded from Malesardi Quad to Hufnagle Park, where other students and community members made speeches and gave performances. Many reported a sense of oneness among the student body and faculty in attendance. I interviewed student leaders,...

The List: Appropriate places for seniors to look for post-graduation jobs

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

October 6, 2016

1. Roommate’s CEO mother 2. “Help Wanted” signs 3. Previous intern supervisor’s sister’s nephew’s company 4. Father’s best friend’s company 5. Best friend’s father’s company 6. Last week's match on Tinder 7. The bartender at Townie T. 8. Sister's ex-boyfriend 9. Cat’s groomer ...

Squirrel internally debates whether or not to jump out and scare innocent student

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

October 6, 2016

Perched on the rim of the trash bin outside of Hunt Hall, local campus squirrel reportedly weighed his options as to whether or not he should jump out and scare the innocent student walking toward him. “Should I jump out and scare her or should I just let her be?” the eight-year-old eastern...

Sorority holds mixer in Hunt Hall, fraternities revolt at threat to masculinity

Maggie Carlson, Contributing Writer

September 29, 2016

HUNT HALL—In a bold effort to combat the unequal power dynamic between male and female Greek organizations on campus, sorority Beta Rho Alpha (BRA) registered its Hunt Hall suite to host a social gathering for Saturday, Oct. 1. In the past, only fraternity houses have been permitted to register their...

Love letters from a 20-something abroad

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

September 29, 2016

Dear Henry, Florence, Italy is gorgeous. And the culture is amazing. Every night I’ve gone out with girls from New Jersey who are in my program. It feels like I’ve become totally immersed in Italian life. Even though I’ve only been here for four days, I can already say “chow.”  Isn’t...

Student skips hot yoga, goes to downtown party instead

Samantha Nolle, Contributing Writer

September 29, 2016

Citing a busy schedule and a penchant for multitasking, first-year student S. Whet ’20 opted to complete her weekly hot yoga routine on the dance floor of an undisclosed downtown house during the evening of Sept. 24. Whet, who regrettably slept through her 8:30 a.m. alarm, missed Saturday morning’s “...

Senior boy panics, realizes he has not written down his bucket list yet

Hannah Paton, Contributing Writer

September 29, 2016

Tommy Vedder3NW ’17 allegedly suffered a panic attack after back-stalking his first-year hall on Facebook, according to paramedics. The panic attack is thought to have been brought on by overwhelming nostalgia and fear of the “real world.” “He seemed to be having an existential crisis. He...

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University
Satire