The Bucknellian

Squirrel internally debates whether or not to jump out and scare innocent student

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

October 6, 2016


Filed under Satire

Perched on the rim of the trash bin outside of Hunt Hall, local campus squirrel reportedly weighed his options as to whether or not he should jump out and scare the innocent student walking toward him. “Should I jump out and scare her or should I just let her be?” the eight-year-old eastern...

Sorority holds mixer in Hunt Hall, fraternities revolt at threat to masculinity

Maggie Carlson, Contributing Writer

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire

HUNT HALL—In a bold effort to combat the unequal power dynamic between male and female Greek organizations on campus, sorority Beta Rho Alpha (BRA) registered its Hunt Hall suite to host a social gathering for Saturday, Oct. 1. In the past, only fraternity houses have been permitted to register their...

Love letters from a 20-something abroad

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire, Young Love

Dear Henry, Florence, Italy is gorgeous. And the culture is amazing. Every night I’ve gone out with girls from New Jersey who are in my program. It feels like I’ve become totally immersed in Italian life. Even though I’ve only been here for four days, I can already say “chow.”  Isn’t...

Student skips hot yoga, goes to downtown party instead

Samantha Nolle, Contributing Writer

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire

Citing a busy schedule and a penchant for multitasking, first-year student S. Whet ’20 opted to complete her weekly hot yoga routine on the dance floor of an undisclosed downtown house during the evening of Sept. 24. Whet, who regrettably slept through her 8:30 a.m. alarm, missed Saturday morning’s “...

Senior boy panics, realizes he has not written down his bucket list yet

Hannah Paton, Contributing Writer

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire

Tommy Vedder3NW ’17 allegedly suffered a panic attack after back-stalking his first-year hall on Facebook, according to paramedics. The panic attack is thought to have been brought on by overwhelming nostalgia and fear of the “real world.” “He seemed to be having an existential crisis. He...

The List: Thoughts we had during the debate

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire, The List

Lester, wherefore art thou, Lester? Donald Trump is wearing blue and Hillary Clinton is wearing red, subliminal messaging much? Psych 101 really paid off. That power suit, though. What highlighter is Trump wearing? This must be what it’s like to be a woman in the business world. ...

University to issue dress code of J.Crew barn jackets and L.L.Bean boots starting Oct. 1

Amanda Relick, Staff Writer

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire

The University’s mandatory dress code of J.Crew barn jackets and L.L.Bean Boots will take effect on Oct. 1.  The panic among the first-years has reached new heights as many of the self-proclaimed “hipsters” insist that they have never heard of these so-called trends before. Upperclassmen gleefully...

Fraternity men start #AskHimMore movement

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire

A new movement to #AskHimMore has surfaced on campus after University men began complaining that they are bombarded with questions regarding which Greek organization they belong to, rather than whether they belong to one at all. 99.9 percent of University males are involved in Greek life and because...

Student goes into hiding after misreading emergency alerts

Olivia Lawlor, Contributing Writer

September 29, 2016


Filed under Satire

Public Safety ran several test alert notifications on Sept. 27 to check the University’s Emergency Notification System. These test alerts included emails and text messages to students and staff, which explicitly stated that the alerts were only tests and should not be mistaken for real emergency notifications. However,...

RA holds meeting to warn students about venemous paralyzing spiders, gets bitten mid-meeting

RA holds meeting to warn students about venemous paralyzing spiders, gets bitten mid-meeting

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

September 22, 2016


Filed under Satire

After news of last week’s paralytic spider infestation in several dorms, Residential Advisors (RAs) across campus held hall meetings to address the situation. Since several students have been bitten and required treatment at the local hospital, RAs felt the need to prepare their residents for possible...

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University
Satire