The University announced this week that it is making plans to defund the Career Development Center (CDC). Instead, administration plans to redirect the CDC’s funding towards fertilizers to make grass even greener on the Academic Quadrangle.

Students have turned to their parents in hopes of landing the perfect summer internship or post-grad job and have had shocking success.

“I mean, all I had to do was email my dad my résumé, and before I knew it, I was signing a lease for an apartment on the Upper West Side with a 10-week internship at PwC,” a Westchester County native and Bucknell student said.

An English major was overheard complaining about the lack of assistance from her parents. She lamented that she wishes her parents were head editors at The New York Times rather than neurosurgeons at Mount Sinai.

The University figures that it is better off with greener grass anyway—post-graduate employment rates are projected to rise from the redirection of funds.

Editor’s Note: Most of the time we take our work seriously. Today is not one of those days. Happy 1st of April.