Tommy Vedder3NW ’17 allegedly suffered a panic attack after back-stalking his first-year hall on Facebook, according to paramedics. The panic attack is thought to have been brought on by overwhelming nostalgia and fear of the “real world.”

“He seemed to be having an existential crisis. He kept saying ‘I’m so washed-up,’ and ‘there’s so much I still want to do.’ Instead of taking him to the hospital, we simply gave him a pen and paper and said ‘write,” paramedic Larry Lewisburg said.

Vedder3NW immediately became invested in compiling a list of things he’d never done, but always wanted to try.

“His list seemed pretty bizarre … actually leave Lewisburg on a Saturday afternoon, talk to a girl in daylight, and try other beverages besides Latty Night,” paramedic Martin St. Market said.

By the end of the hour, Vedder3NW’s list was 58,776 items long. After leaving the paramedics to complete his first task of “eat in the Bison,” Vedder3NW received a phone call.

“Bro, what are you doing? We’re about to be late to bowling,” Vedder3NW’s fraternity brother, Graham Graham ’17, said.

Looking between his future on paper and the present on the phone, Vedder3NW had to make a decision.

“Did you already get the Latty Night?” Vedder3NW said, crumpling up his paper and turning his back to the Bison.