The Bucknellian

The Dad’s Guide to Admitted Students’ Day

The Dad’s Guide to Admitted Students’ Day

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

In the eyes of most University officials, this year’s Admitted Student Open House went off without a hitch. Large groups of anxious high school seniors toured campus, sat in on unique lectures that gave a glimpse of their future careers, and experienced college life first-hand at the Activities Fa...

Admissions hires paid actors to throw frisbees during student tours

Admissions hires paid actors to throw frisbees during student tours

Alex Boyer, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

There was general discontent among students this week after it was discovered that the University Office of Admissions hired actors to throw frisbees during the many Admitted Student Open House tours across campus. The initiative, which involved a whopping 538 students, was discovered when one tour guide too...

First-year frustrated with frats joins professors’ social scene

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

The final weeks of the semester seem to sneak up on students and faculty every academic year. Many students display mixed feelings about reaching the end of the semester. Some look forward to spending the summer at one of their many summer homes on Cape Cod, while others dread parting ways with their f...

5 “cute” ways of asking your lab partner to Chrysalis

Lewis Rizzoli, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

The University will host its 20th annual Chrysalis Ball on April 26, headlined by Sean Kingston. Kingston’s career peaked from 2007-2010 with hit singles like “Beautiful Girls,” “Eenie Meenie,” “Fire Burning,” “Take You There,” “Me Love,” “Letting Go,” and “Beat It.” Ther...

Campus security report reveals buildings can be accessed with $5 Subway gift cards

Jeff Klebauskas, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

After reviewing the 2019 annual Public Safety report, University officials have discovered a loophole in the campus security system, in which all buildings can be accessed with a $5 Subway gift card.   The loophole was discovered after several student IDs were found and returned to Public...

Children’s author writes “If You Bring Your Dog to Super” following University visit

Children’s author writes “If You Bring Your Dog to Super” following University visit

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

When you were a child, you were probably read the renowned children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” You may have also experienced the sequels “If You Give a Moose a Muffin” and “If You Give a Dog a Donut” if your parents saw fit.   Following Disney’s pattern of adapting pop...

First-years prepare ritual sacrifice of Nacho Tots

First-years prepare ritual sacrifice of Nacho Tots

Nick DeMarchis, Contributing Writer

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire

After a long and productive weekend, several students paid respect to their real master this past Sunday. In the center of the Malesardi Quadrangle, a small group gathered to prepare their sacrifice to the great Class of 2012 University seal.   Their carefully coordinated ceremony proved...

Campus blinded by really white legs following rise in athletic shorts

Campus blinded by really white legs following rise in athletic shorts

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire

Spring has officially sprung in the cornfields of Lewisburg. This time of year brings daily trips to the Freez, an overall decrease in class attendance, and University students attempting to achieve their “summer bod” all within a month. It also appears that students across campus have been eagerly...

Engineers dominate Canoe Battleship with cannon-filled dreadnought

Engineers dominate Canoe Battleship with cannon-filled dreadnought

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire

University students were startled this past Friday evening when the sound of cannon-fire rang out across campus. For the first time in the history of Canoe Battleship, one of the participating teams designed and constructed their own vessel for the competition. According to officials, however, the engi...

University poll: best things to order drunk on Amazon

Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire

In today’s world, everything you can imagine is accessible with the touch of a button. You search for whatever you desire, find immediate results online, and choose among them. Instant gratification is one of the 21st century’s greatest marvels.   While Amazon is very useful, it can also be ...

Frustrated Vedder custodians hold shower curtains hostage

Alex Boyer, Senior Writer

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire

Vedder Hall students received an odd message along with their Message Center Digest email at 1:04 a.m. this past Wednesday morning. According to the announcement, Vedder custodians, who are on strike, took all the shower curtains in the building and locked them up in a janitor’s closet with a $3,00...

Top/Bottom 4: University water fountains

Kaitlin Bonacci, Print Presentation Director

April 4, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Spring has sprung, which means it’s time to change the Installments in the bathrooms and remind yourself to hydrate or die-drate. When looking to fill up your sticker-covered Nalgenes, be sure to consult our definitive list of fountains to visit and to avoid across campus.   The Best of the Best:   Olin 3r...

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