Student thrown out of class for saying hot dogs are sandwiches

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writer

April 26, 2018

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Another case of a student kicked out of class for an unconventional reason occurred on April 25 when Samuel Witch ’19 insisted that hot dogs were indeed sandwiches. In her Global Cuisine Integrated Perspectives course, Professor Delicacé was giving a lecture on the origins of the popular dish...

Fraternity brother shotguns beer one last time “for the memories”

Amy Schlussler, Contributing Writer

April 26, 2018

Filed under Satire

Fraternity brother, Natey Leight ‘18, had to carry out the most dreaded act of his Bucknell career Wednesday night. Leight, otherwise known as “Gas Pump,” shotgunned a beer for the last time on the steps of his fraternity, Mu Sigma Pu’s, downtown house. “Gas Pump” agreed to share the exp...

New construction of pool between Dana Engineering and Academic West excites student body

Rachel Zajac, Contributing Writer

April 26, 2018

Filed under Satire

University students can’t stop talking about the new Academic Eastquatic Center to be constructed between Academic West and Dana Engineering. The new pool is going to be open year-round, and its general architecture was inspired by the pool from the summer 2008 Olympics. Leadership on Bucknell Student...

Kid in class who knows the answer is too afraid to raise hand in fear of mispronouncing word

Michael Driesen, Contributing Headliner

April 26, 2018

Filed under Satire

Anemone. It’s anemone.

J. Cole album arrives just in time for hypebeasts

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

April 26, 2018

Filed under Satire

J. Cole, who went double platinum without any features on his album, “2014 Forest Hill Drive,” released his fifth studio album titled “KOD” on April 20. Announced only a week prior to the drop, the entire rap community was caught in a fervor over the project’s potential direction, and what...

Parker’s Marker: Thank You

April 26, 2018

Filed under Parker's Marker, Satire

Who’s the biggest tease?

April 19, 2018

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Graphic by Jared Shapiro

Confession: I can’t tell the difference between the British and Australian flags and at this point I’m too embarrassed to ask

Michael Driesen, Contributing Writer

April 19, 2018

Filed under Satire

I don’t want to talk about it.

University’s most failed alumni: where are they now?

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

April 19, 2018

Filed under Satire

As graduation looms closer, The Bucknellian reached out to alumni to see what they’ve been up to since their days in Lewisburg. As a fear tactic, The Bucknellian scanned the entire alumni network to find the alum who failed to capitalize on their quarter million dollar education. 1. Jarrett Steuben,...

Op-Ed: Why I deserve the Pulitzer instead of Kendrick

Lil Pump, Guest Contributor (Not Really)

April 19, 2018

Filed under Satire

Esketitttttt! I’m so mad I didn’t win the Pulitzer. Kendrick is good and all, but look at everything I’m doing. I’m 17, yo! That’s mad disrespectful that they don’t see how I’m changing the game. People say Kendrick’s lyrics have depth? So do mine! GUCCI GANG, GUCCI GANG, GUCCI GANG, G...

Parker’s Marker: Admitted Students Day

April 19, 2018

Filed under Parker's Marker, Satire

Viral super star, yodeling Walmart kid, to perform at Chrysalis

Faith Breen, Staff Writer

April 12, 2018

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

In an exciting recent development, Activities and Campus Events (ACE) announced that they’ve added a surprise new artist to the Chrysalis lineup. The budding young artist Mason Ramsey, better known as the yodeling Walmart kid, is on the docket for the event alongside ’90s R&B star Shaggy. Ramsey...