The Bucknellian

Satire editor is forcibly evicted from The Bucknellian after refusing to graduate

Satire editor is forcibly evicted from The Bucknellian after refusing to graduate

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

April 25, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Public Safety officers were seen storming Stuck House this past Wednesday night as former Satire Editor Barles Cheers ’19 refused to vacate the premises after his last Production Night.   Announcing his unofficial retirement from comedy after three incredible semesters as The Bucknellian’s sa...

Overachieving senior sprains neck with too many graduation cords

Overachieving senior sprains neck with too many graduation cords

Nick DeMarchis, Contributing Writer

April 25, 2019


Filed under Satire

In an effort to show off in front of her many friends, Calysta Curtis ’19 suffered a devastating neck strain while walking across the stage to receive her diploma this weekend. She collapsed on stage, only to have a fellow graduate help her regain her composure and the 36 cords that she dropped....

#ClassOutside movement takes campus by storm

#ClassOutside movement takes campus by storm

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

April 25, 2019


Filed under Satire

The sudden change in temperature has drawn University students out of the classroom and onto the banks of the Susquehanna River. While overall class attendance has plummeted with the nice weather, students who have already exceeded their absence limit have proposed a new idea.   When the #C...

List: Top 10 Best places to cry on campus

Alex Boyer, Senior Writer

April 25, 2019


Filed under Satire

If there’s anything that last year taught us (yes, even you, Mackenzie from geology), it is that where you emotionally break down matters. A lot. So we at The Bucknellian have decided to do your homework for you and share the top 10 best places to cry on campus.   The DaVinci Room of t...

Trend alert: tucking sweatpants into midcalves

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

April 25, 2019


Filed under Satire

Cool morning chills meet sweltering afternoon sweats in the climatic transition period of the final weeks of the semester. With this confusing combination, a number of interesting style trends begin to appear. From sweats and sandals to shorts and sweatshirts, one should expect the unexpected when it...

The Dad’s Guide to Admitted Students’ Day

The Dad’s Guide to Admitted Students’ Day

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

In the eyes of most University officials, this year’s Admitted Student Open House went off without a hitch. Large groups of anxious high school seniors toured campus, sat in on unique lectures that gave a glimpse of their future careers, and experienced college life first-hand at the Activities Fa...

Admissions hires paid actors to throw frisbees during student tours

Admissions hires paid actors to throw frisbees during student tours

Alex Boyer, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

There was general discontent among students this week after it was discovered that the University Office of Admissions hired actors to throw frisbees during the many Admitted Student Open House tours across campus. The initiative, which involved a whopping 538 students, was discovered when one tour guide too...

First-year frustrated with frats joins professors’ social scene

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

The final weeks of the semester seem to sneak up on students and faculty every academic year. Many students display mixed feelings about reaching the end of the semester. Some look forward to spending the summer at one of their many summer homes on Cape Cod, while others dread parting ways with their f...

5 “cute” ways of asking your lab partner to Chrysalis

Lewis Rizzoli, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

The University will host its 20th annual Chrysalis Ball on April 26, headlined by Sean Kingston. Kingston’s career peaked from 2007-2010 with hit singles like “Beautiful Girls,” “Eenie Meenie,” “Fire Burning,” “Take You There,” “Me Love,” “Letting Go,” and “Beat It.” Ther...

Campus security report reveals buildings can be accessed with $5 Subway gift cards

Jeff Klebauskas, Senior Writer

April 18, 2019


Filed under Satire

After reviewing the 2019 annual Public Safety report, University officials have discovered a loophole in the campus security system, in which all buildings can be accessed with a $5 Subway gift card.   The loophole was discovered after several student IDs were found and returned to Public...

Children’s author writes “If You Bring Your Dog to Super” following University visit

Children’s author writes “If You Bring Your Dog to Super” following University visit

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

When you were a child, you were probably read the renowned children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” You may have also experienced the sequels “If You Give a Moose a Muffin” and “If You Give a Dog a Donut” if your parents saw fit.   Following Disney’s pattern of adapting pop...

First-years prepare ritual sacrifice of Nacho Tots

First-years prepare ritual sacrifice of Nacho Tots

Nick DeMarchis, Contributing Writer

April 11, 2019


Filed under Satire

After a long and productive weekend, several students paid respect to their real master this past Sunday. In the center of the Malesardi Quadrangle, a small group gathered to prepare their sacrifice to the great Class of 2012 University seal.   Their carefully coordinated ceremony proved...

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