Senior offers South Campus Apartment as Airbnb for Homecoming Weekend

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

October 19, 2018

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

The South Campus Apartments were alive with activity on Oct. 18 as University alumni unpacked their suitcases and filed inside. After filling out a large stack of paperwork and connecting her suite to the company website, Celeste Western ’19 officially announced her decision to offer up her senior...

Students excited to tan on new family yachts after UN Climate Report predicts crisis-level rise in temperature and sea levels

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

October 19, 2018

Filed under Satire

A striking UN Climate report from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has predicted a massive 10°F shift along the temperate zones between the Tropic of Cancer and the Arctic Circle as a proliferation of greenhouse gases continues. One result of this fact, says the UN Report, is the...

Ambitious first-year throws neighborhood super during fall break

Lewis Rizzoli, Contributing Writer

October 19, 2018

Filed under Satire

The weather is getting brisk, the trees are changing colors, frackets are making a comeback, and board shorts are turning into Barbours. In other words, the fall season is upon us, and with it came fall break. While most of the University left for a mostly unsatisfying fall recess away from their...

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

October 19, 2018

Filed under Satire

Tip #7124 The human mind can last approximately 72 hours without sleep before it starts to hallucinate, leading to paranoia and psychosis. With this in mind, be sure to cut your string of all-nighters off at hour 71. Tip #7298 There are many students who do not actively clean their rooms and...

Study-A-Mod: Office of global and off-campus studies creates new off-campus program at University West

Kathleen McGivern, Contributing Writer

October 5, 2018

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

The Office of Global & Off-campus Education (OGOE) created a new off-campus study abroad program at University West on Oct. 3, affectionately called “the Mods” by the students participating in their cross-campus journey. This new “Study Across” program gives students the chance to live...

On campus alone: Student left behind by parents during fall break

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

October 5, 2018

Filed under Satire

Following a fight with his parents and older siblings, Bucky McCallister ’22 claims he was left home alone for the entirety of fall break. According to the McCallister family, a temporary power outage in their hotel caused their alarm clocks to reset, leading them to oversleep and rush to the airport...

Unlucky sophomore has disastrous Employer Expo

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

October 5, 2018

Filed under Satire

According to his friends and the company representatives who spoke with him, notoriously unlucky Ray “Bad Luck” Bucky ’20 had the most statistically-unsuccessful Employer Expo in the history of the event. As over 100 different employers came to speak with current students on Sept. 25 for the...

Message Center emails finally deciphered, predict end of the world

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

October 5, 2018

Filed under Satire

Students and faculty were alarmed when the Message Center sent out an ominous message this morning at exactly 1:06 a.m. The message was heavily encrypted, but after consulting the University’s top code-breakers, the email has been completely deciphered. The decrypted text is as follows: Campus Busines...

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide VI

October 5, 2018

Filed under Satire

Tip #3428 Fall break is a great time for you to both relax and catch up on the workload that kept you up until 4 a.m. every night this week. Alternatively, you can blow off all of your responsibilities, binge “The Office” for the sixth time, and have your parents do your laundry for you for the...

Bucknellian fraternity explodes onto University social scene

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

September 27, 2018

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Following a long Production Night this past Wednesday, The Bucknellian, the University’s student-run newspaper publication, announced its plans to apply for a fraternity house on campus in the spring. Chartered in the fall of 2017, Nu Eta Lambda Lambda (NELL) aims to compete with the rising Delta Up...

Bull Run Trivia Night offered as senior quarter-credit class

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

September 27, 2018

Filed under Satire

Recognizing the public demand for more quarter-credit opportunities that engage the Lewisburg community, the University has announced its decision to offer a Bull Run Trivia Night elective for all eligible seniors in the spring. The course, taught by Associate Professor of Fun Facts and Mixology Drew...

Parking spots recognized as endangered species on campus

September 27, 2018

Filed under Satire

The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) released its 2018 Endangered Animals Compendium on Sept. 22. Every year, a group of animal behaviorists and environmentalists gather to discuss new species on the brink of extinction. The compilation is updated every year, and new species...