Ben & Jerry’s announces new University-themed ice cream flavor

September 21, 2017

Following his Sept. 18 lecture on entrepreneurship in the Weis Center, Jerry Greenfield of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream announced to the student body that a new, University-themed ice cream flavor will be hitting shelves by the end of the academic semester. The new flavor, tentatively named “WE DOUGH,” is...

Career fair 2017: Business casual casualties

Maggie Carlson, Contributing Writer

September 21, 2017

Filed under Satire

With the career fair upon us, the University has been abuzz with panic around post-grad offers and 10-week internships. Senior College of Management students, Courtney Wallstreet ’18 and Morgan Consulting ’18, sat back with their post-grad job offers and watched the rest of the school turn into utter...

Parent banned from future Family Weekends for making too many dad jokes

Jon Meier, Satire Co-Editor

September 21, 2017

Filed under Satire

In an unprecedented move by the administration, a student’s father has been banned from all future Family Weekends for his incessant corniness. Michael Gray, the father of Kevin Gray ’20, was escorted off campus by Public Safety on the morning of Sept. 22. The incident occurred after the jazz...

An obituary for frat shoes

Rose Gendelman, Contributing Writer

September 21, 2017

Filed under Satire

LEWISBURG WALMART -- Black Shoes, $8, size 2.5, passed away on Sept. 15. They served a long and honorable life drowned in beer, sweat, dirt, and other miscellaneous liquids. At one point, their sole was partially ripped off, yet they trekked on nonetheless, exhibiting that they were absolutely “too...

Students take tour of local vineyard, disappointed when they realize it’s not Vineyard Vines

Lynn Korsun, Print Presentation Director

September 21, 2017

Filed under Satire

Students across the University’s campus are arriving home after what can only be described as a whale of a mistake. Vines of the Vineyard, dubbed by many as one of the preppiest wineries in central Pennsylvania, offered free tours of its facilities to both students and locals alike on Sept. 16....

New tour guide headsets: why?

Angela Ri, Contributing Writer

September 21, 2017

Filed under Satire

The first month of the semester is officially over: sweater weather is here, the mailroom is still consistently packed, and most first-years have finally gotten the hang of doing their own laundry. While the student body has successfully settled into its routine, the University tour guides have had a...

Parker’s Marker: Parent’s Weekend

September 21, 2017

Filed under Parker's Marker, Satire

University releases plans to sell personalized iPhone Xs, effective 2018

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

September 14, 2017

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

On Sept. 12, the day Apple unveiled its latest revolutionary smartphone to the world, the iPhone X, the University shocked the student body with a reveal of its own. According to officials working behind the scenes to develop the project, a personalized brand of the iPhone X, tentatively titled the...

Top 10 special skills to pad your resume

Rose Gendelman, Contributing Writer

September 14, 2017

Filed under Satire, The List

As college students, we can all use a little boost when it comes to standing out in a crowd of potential job applicants. Luckily for you, The Bucknellian came up with 10 special skills to include on your resume, which will ensure the employers of your dream company to notice you, for better or worse...

Intense Friday night study session shut down by PSAFE

Charles Beers, Satire Co-Editor

September 14, 2017

Filed under Satire

This past weekend featured one of the quietest Welcome Nights for University Greek life in recent history. Stringent regulations and new players in the Interfraternity Council forced many on-campus fraternities to cancel their celebrations to avoid legal ramifications. With the big risks finally take...