Flyson held hostage by army of squirrels

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writier

February 21, 2019

Filed under Satire, Top Stories

There must be something in the acorns in Lewisburg.   It seems that no matter where college students attend school, they believe that their university’s squirrels are abnormal in some way. Whether the squirrels are especially large in stature, nimble in the way they climb trees, or fearless when it c...

Senior still on the run from aggressive Singing Valentine

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

February 21, 2019

Filed under Satire

“Only two hours left. Only two hours left to go,” Vasily Runnyn ’21 said on the evening of Feb. 14. Runnyn was the subject of a heated pursuit by a group of singers delivering the Singing Valentine that his mother, Verily, sent him to “cheer his spirits.” Vasily was awakened at 6 a.m. on Feb....

Turf War Erupts After E-Week and Management Week Scheduled for Same Time

Jeff Klebauskas, Staff writer

February 21, 2019

Filed under Satire

A campus-wide lockdown was put into effect on Feb. 20 as alumni from rival departments took their bad blood to the Malesardi Quadrangle to settle a territorial dispute that had been on the verge of boiling over since the 1980s. Despite an increased security presence due to the expected throw-down,...

Student receives Valentine’s chocolate from anonymous suitors who don’t go here

Amy Schlussler, Senior writer

February 21, 2019

Filed under Satire

The exciting holiday for some, but dreaded holiday for most, has come and gone once again this year. Valentine’s Day marks those lovely 24 hours when many students stay locked up in their rooms to avoid being reminded of their lack of a love life. Yet, this Valentine’s Day was out of the ordinary...

University men’s basketball defeated by Harlem Globetrotters’ B-Team

Jeff Klebauskas, Staff Writer

February 14, 2019

Filed under Satire

The usually dominant Bison men’s basketball team dropped their heads in shame this past Thursday night as they stumbled to the locker room after being soundly, roundly, and profoundly thrashed by the Harlem Globetrotters’ B-team. With “Sweet Georgia Brown” blasting out of Sojka Pavilion�...

“Sweet Victory” to be named new University alma mater

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

February 14, 2019

Filed under Satire

Following a successful online petition started by campus a cappella groups, the University officially announced its decision to replace its alma mater with the powerful rock ballad “Sweet Victory” this week. The song, made famous by the classic episode of “SpongeBob SquarePants,” will now headline...

Error 404: Bucky’s Declassified Could Not Be Found

February 14, 2019

Filed under Satire

Tip #81 Help. Please help. I’m running out of ideas so fast.   Tip #82 If you’re tired of your typical sweaty mixers, head down to your local gas station to fill your tank with cold beer in relaxing subzero temperatures. I have also been told there is free valet parking. &nb...

First annual KLARC Fitness Fashion Show to be held this spring

Amy Schlussler, Staff Writer

February 14, 2019

Filed under Satire, Uncategorized

It has become apparent to students who carve out time for the gym that certain styles of fitness gear are valued above all others at the University. This past Friday, representatives from The Bucknellian made their way down to the Kenneth Langone Athletics & Recreation Center to speak with these gym junkies a...

University announces Taco Tuesdays, catastrophe after overzealous senior spills meat juice

Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer

February 14, 2019

Filed under Satire

Everyone loves food-themed days of the week. No matter how many times you wipe out on black ice on your way to class, no matter how many parking tickets you received after not seeing the “Staff Only” sign in the parking lot, no matter how late you walk into your 8 a.m. lecture while everyone, including...

Student swears he heard “Mo Bamba” being played at Rooke Chapel in the middle of the night

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writer

February 14, 2019

Filed under Satire

It all started with the words “Young Sheck Wes and I’m getting really rich (ching-ching).”   Marty Jamieson ’22 was walking home on Monday night after playing some late night squash with his boys at around 1:30 a.m. As his buddies went back to Vedder Hall, Jamieson was left alone to...

University “AirPod Wires” to be sold following reports of countless lost AirPods

Jeff Klebauskas, Staff Writer

February 7, 2019

Filed under Satire

After weeks of popping up in the most random places, from box #C3250 in the student mailroom to the chili-lime shrimp taco I am eating while I write this, AirPods will no longer escape the clutches of their neglectful owners thanks to Bucky the Bison AirPod Wires (“BuckyPods”), which can now be purchased at a...

Film & Media Studies students create University-themed Super Bowl ad

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writer

February 7, 2019

Filed under Satire

GraphiOver the past few weeks, a group of film and media studies students created their very own Super Bowl advertisement, encouraging rising high school seniors to apply to the University.   Paying the National Football League just shy of three billion dollars, the students were able to have...