The Dad’s Guide to Admitted Students’ Day
Charles Beers, Satire Editor
April 18, 2019
Filed under Satire, Top Stories
In the eyes of most University officials, this year’s Admitted Student Open House went off without a hitch. Large groups of anxious high school seniors toured campus, sat in on unique lectures that gave a glimpse of their future careers, and experienced college life first-hand at the Activities Fa...
Admissions hires paid actors to throw frisbees during student tours
Alex Boyer, Senior Writer
April 18, 2019
Filed under Satire
There was general discontent among students this week after it was discovered that the University Office of Admissions hired actors to throw frisbees during the many Admitted Student Open House tours across campus. The initiative, which involved a whopping 538 students, was discovered when one tour guide too...
First-year frustrated with frats joins professors’ social scene
Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer
April 18, 2019
Filed under Satire
The final weeks of the semester seem to sneak up on students and faculty every academic year. Many students display mixed feelings about reaching the end of the semester. Some look forward to spending the summer at one of their many summer homes on Cape Cod, while others dread parting ways with their f...
5 “cute” ways of asking your lab partner to Chrysalis
Lewis Rizzoli, Senior Writer
April 18, 2019
Filed under Satire
The University will host its 20th annual Chrysalis Ball on April 26, headlined by Sean Kingston. Kingston’s career peaked from 2007-2010 with hit singles like “Beautiful Girls,” “Eenie Meenie,” “Fire Burning,” “Take You There,” “Me Love,” “Letting Go,” and “Beat It.” Ther...
Campus security report reveals buildings can be accessed with $5 Subway gift cards
Jeff Klebauskas, Senior Writer
April 18, 2019
Filed under Satire
After reviewing the 2019 annual Public Safety report, University officials have discovered a loophole in the campus security system, in which all buildings can be accessed with a $5 Subway gift card. The loophole was discovered after several student IDs were found and returned to Public...
Children’s author writes “If You Bring Your Dog to Super” following University visit
Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer
April 11, 2019
Filed under Satire, Top Stories
When you were a child, you were probably read the renowned children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” You may have also experienced the sequels “If You Give a Moose a Muffin” and “If You Give a Dog a Donut” if your parents saw fit. Following Disney’s pattern of adapting pop...
First-years prepare ritual sacrifice of Nacho Tots
Nick DeMarchis, Contributing Writer
April 11, 2019
Filed under Satire
After a long and productive weekend, several students paid respect to their real master this past Sunday. In the center of the Malesardi Quadrangle, a small group gathered to prepare their sacrifice to the great Class of 2012 University seal. Their carefully coordinated ceremony proved...
Campus blinded by really white legs following rise in athletic shorts
Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer
April 11, 2019
Filed under Satire
Spring has officially sprung in the cornfields of Lewisburg. This time of year brings daily trips to the Freez, an overall decrease in class attendance, and University students attempting to achieve their “summer bod” all within a month. It also appears that students across campus have been eagerly...
Engineers dominate Canoe Battleship with cannon-filled dreadnought
Charles Beers, Satire Editor
April 11, 2019
Filed under Satire
University students were startled this past Friday evening when the sound of cannon-fire rang out across campus. For the first time in the history of Canoe Battleship, one of the participating teams designed and constructed their own vessel for the competition. According to officials, however, the engi...
University poll: best things to order drunk on Amazon
Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer
April 11, 2019
Filed under Satire
In today’s world, everything you can imagine is accessible with the touch of a button. You search for whatever you desire, find immediate results online, and choose among them. Instant gratification is one of the 21st century’s greatest marvels. While Amazon is very useful, it can also be ...
Frustrated Vedder custodians hold shower curtains hostage
Alex Boyer, Senior Writer
April 11, 2019
Filed under Satire
Vedder Hall students received an odd message along with their Message Center Digest email at 1:04 a.m. this past Wednesday morning. According to the announcement, Vedder custodians, who are on strike, took all the shower curtains in the building and locked them up in a janitor’s closet with a $3,00...
Top/Bottom 4: University water fountains
Kaitlin Bonacci, Print Presentation Director
April 4, 2019
Filed under Satire, Top Stories
Spring has sprung, which means it’s time to change the Installments in the bathrooms and remind yourself to hydrate or die-drate. When looking to fill up your sticker-covered Nalgenes, be sure to consult our definitive list of fountains to visit and to avoid across campus. The Best of the Best: Olin 3r...
Subheadline: University Department of Theatre and Dance presents a play about women trying to obtain the right to graduate Pull-Out Quote: “‘Blue Stockings’...
Kim Kardashian West has recently been studying the ins and outs of the legal system in the hopes of one day pursuing her passion of becoming a lawyer. In an interview with...
In the eyes of most University officials, this year’s Admitted Student Open House went off without a hitch. Large groups of anxious high school seniors toured campus, sat...
Women’s water polo finishes regular season 23-11
April 18, 2019
Children’s author writes “If You Bring Your Dog to Super” following University visit
April 11, 2019
Sestina to join Kentucky basketball as a graduate transfer
April 11, 2019
