Confession: I can’t tell the difference between the British and Australian flags and at this point I’m too embarrassed to ask
Michael Driesen, Contributing Writer
April 19, 2018
Filed under Satire
I don’t want to talk about it.
University’s most failed alumni: where are they now?
Jon Meier, Satire Editor
April 19, 2018
Filed under Satire
As graduation looms closer, The Bucknellian reached out to alumni to see what they’ve been up to since their days in Lewisburg. As a fear tactic, The Bucknellian scanned the entire alumni network to find the alum who failed to capitalize on their quarter million dollar education. 1. Jarrett Steuben,...
Op-Ed: Why I deserve the Pulitzer instead of Kendrick
Lil Pump, Guest Contributor (Not Really)
April 19, 2018
Filed under Satire
Esketitttttt! I’m so mad I didn’t win the Pulitzer. Kendrick is good and all, but look at everything I’m doing. I’m 17, yo! That’s mad disrespectful that they don’t see how I’m changing the game. People say Kendrick’s lyrics have depth? So do mine! GUCCI GANG, GUCCI GANG, GUCCI GANG, G...
Viral super star, yodeling Walmart kid, to perform at Chrysalis
Faith Breen, Staff Writer
April 12, 2018
Filed under Satire, Top Stories
In an exciting recent development, Activities and Campus Events (ACE) announced that they’ve added a surprise new artist to the Chrysalis lineup. The budding young artist Mason Ramsey, better known as the yodeling Walmart kid, is on the docket for the event alongside ’90s R&B star Shaggy. Ramsey...
Kid who only knows the “my bed and my momma” part of God’s Plan waits eagerly for that line to come up at a party
Michael Driesen, Contributing Writer
April 12, 2018
Filed under Satire
In the basement of Gamma Delta Phi this past weekend, brother Grant Hunter ’20 stood in the corner patiently waiting to belt out the lyrics to his favorite song by rap superstar Drake. He was overheard repeatedly saying to the brothers controlling the aux cord, “Yo, play ‘God’s Plan’, that...
Students caught cheating by vaping smoke signals
Bridget Beljan, Staff Writer
April 12, 2018
Filed under Satire
Students Drake ’19* and Josh ’19* were caught cheating on their Ethics 100 exam this past week, and they had quite the innovative method for doing so. The students brought various types of vapes to class and alternated between them to communicate their answers to one another. For example,...
Wanted: Clean Pee
Jared Shapiro, Web Managing Editor & Graphics Manager
April 12, 2018
Filed under Satire
Graphic by Jared Shapiro
First-year student, fresh off a gap year, wishes you kids would keep all that noise down
Jeff Klebauskas, Contributing Writer
April 12, 2018
Filed under Satire
Twenty-year-old first year student, Noah Severson, further separated himself from his peers this weekend by cinching up his bathrobe, laying down his textured briar tobacco pipe, and calling campus security on his hallmates for disregarding the 11 p.m. sound ordnance in Swartz Hall. Adjusting to...
Songs to remember the ‘Burg after graduation
Amy Schlussler, Contributing Writer
April 12, 2018
Filed under Satire
This time of year can be extremely emotional for those set to enter the “real world” once the semester comes to a close. The four, sometimes five, years spent at the University are filled with countless hours spent at Walmart, an ungodly amount of money blown at Chipotle, and a number of days and...
On April 17, 2005 a small headline appeared in the corner of the front page of the Susquehanna Valley Daily Item: “Centre County DA missing.” The story continued inside...
The Bison track and field teams hosted the Bison Outdoor Classic, one of the premier meets on the East Coast, on April 14-15 at Christy Mathewson-Memorial Stadium. Competition...
As construction on Academic East progresses, it has left a glaring problem in the surrounding area of campus: during the week, there seems to be nowhere to park. In our...
April 19, 2018
Ken Burns speaks on “The Vietnam War” and other documentary successes
April 12, 2018
April 12, 2018
