As the calendar inches closer to the sweet release of winter break, students find themselves in the academic trenches, desperately battling for that last-minute grade boost. Fear not, fellow scholars! “The Bucknellian” is here with a priceless guide to elevate your GPA at the last minute as long as you’re willing to venture into uncharted territory. Try these unconventional methods for a final-grade Hail Mary.

1.   Hold a seance in Bertrand to channel the ghosts of Bucknell’s past

Venture into the eerie depths of the Traditional Reading Room, where the ghosts of Bucknell’s past board members reside in photo frames. Many of these ghosts are Bucknell alumni who would be more than happy to help you write your final papers. To summon their scholarly spirits, you’ll just need an Ouija board and a chicken tender wrap from The Bison as a peace offering.

2.   Shower your TA with compliments

Show your Teaching Assistant some love with a heartfelt letter of appreciation. Compare their guidance to the wisdom of ancient scholars, and slip the note under their door along with a modest gift—perhaps a Starbucks gift card or an old pack of gum you found in your backpack. A little flattery can go a long way and, who knows, it might just translate into a grade curve that lifts your spirits.

3.   Gaslight your professor

Already get your final grade? No problem! Embrace the art of gaslighting. Convince your professor that they made a colossal error in your grade, insisting that you deserve an A when, in reality, you barely scraped by with a C-. Professors are human, and with their overwhelming workload, they might just second-guess themselves and upgrade your grade without a second thought.

4.   Hire a grade whisperer

If you’re tired of the TLC, then it’s time to take it up a notch and hire a grade whisperer. These mystical beings are rumored to possess secret knowledge about what professors truly desire in a final paper. For a small fee (or a lifetime supply of coffee), these grade whisperers will study your syllabus and guide you toward the elusive A. Remember, it’s not cheating. It’s outsourcing your intellectual endeavors.

5.   Beg for mercy

When all else fails, resort to the age-old art of begging. Get on your hands and knees and deliver a tearful plea filled with Oscar-worthy sincerity. Spin a tale of unforeseen hardships that hindered your academic brilliance and craft a soliloquy of remorse that would make Shakespeare proud. It’s a high-risk, high-reward strategy that relies on your professor’s compassion and perhaps a soft spot for dramatic monologues. 

If none of these work, then you should work on lowering your expectations.