Food, water, sleep and WiFi. If you break what humans need down to the simplest components, these are the four things you’ll find. Most of them are pretty self-explanatory, though many Bucknellians would argue you don’t actually need sleep. Unfortunately, here at Bucknell, it can also be difficult to find what is perhaps the most important necessity: WiFi. 

When attending a school that costs $80,000 a year, one would expect the WiFi to, you know, work. It doesn’t here at Bucknell, but it’s not actually the school’s fault. No, the real reason the WiFi constantly goes out is, you guessed it, aliens!

It’s no surprise to anyone on campus that aliens exist. However, what might be more surprising is why they seem to enjoy shutting down the WiFi whenever you need it most. For example, why do they always strike at 11:57 p.m. on a Friday night when you have a paper worth 20 percent of your grade due by 11:59 p.m.?

For answers to this question, we turned to our resident alien expert on campus, Professor Ulysses F. Olsen. Olsen claims that while the WiFi outages are caused by the aliens, they aren’t malicious. Instead, he said, “Much like Bucknellians, aliens love to party. I’ve actually attended a few alien parties myself. How were they? Oh, I don’t remember that. They wipe your memory before you leave. It’s ok, though, because I can’t remember any frat parties I attended either.” 

Our interview was getting off track, and Olsen still hadn’t told us why these alien parties caused WiFi outages. When prompted, he continued, “Oh yeah! Alien parties are super high-tech. They’ve got the craziest lights you’ve ever seen, music that is broadcast straight into your brain, venues that are actually clean… absolutely wild stuff that you’d never see at one of Bucknell’s frat parties.” 

These parties sound sick, so naturally, we asked Olsen how we could get into one. “At this point, the parties are open to everyone,” he said. “People, animals… it doesn’t matter. We haven’t been able to secure any mixers, well, ever, so we’ll let anyone in! Sororities would rather mix with the athletes over us, for God’s sake! The athletes! Do you know how embarrassing that is?” 

That’s definitely embarrassing, but did he say we? He stormed out of the interview before we could follow up on that, but it seems pretty clear what’s going on here. It makes sense now why Olsen was attending frat parties, too. However, if the aliens wanted to learn how to act like humans, there are definitely better places to go!

Anyway, the important takeaway from all of this is that the next time the WiFi goes out when you’re working on an extremely important assignment, just remember that it’s totally not Bucknell’s fault because there are some sad, lonely and probably drunk aliens up in the sky who just want some friends to show up to their parties.