The campus-wide quarantine has been a tough time for students. I’m not going to lie, I’m thriving, so I decided to open an advice column. Actually, it’s more like a forum, where students can ask for advice (i.e. rant) about their roommate problems…and the questions have since been pouring in! I know what you’re thinking, “Go on, list them!” I am not one to deny the will of the people, so of course I will! Side note, the names have been changed because privacy is important… but mostly because my fake names are funnier.

This week’s quarantine quandaries:

Q: “Hello, hope you are well!…I am profoundly lonely. I spend each waking hour alone, telling my roommate to shut the heck up. How can I tell him I’d rather let the possum outside our window crawl into bed with me than listen to him talk about his Yu-Gi-Oh! ‘Dark Magician’ and its ‘devastatingly high attack points?’”
— “Yu-Gi-Oh No!”

A: Dear, “Yu-Gi-Oh No!,” put the possum in your roommate’s bed. Fun fact: possums have devastatingly high attack points.

Q: “My roommate never wears shoes, how can I tell her she has nasty hobbit toes?”
— “Nasty Hobbit Toes??”

A: What’s happenin’?!, “Nasty Hobbit Toes??” My advice would be to give your roommate footie pajamas as a present for National Tortellini Day. She’ll either be very confused and move away, or she’ll never stop wearing them. Either way, you won’t see her feet anymore.

Q: “My roommate burns weird stuff all day long: candles, microwave popcorn,…my love letters to Shia LaBeouf. How can I tell her those are my letters, and I’m not really going to send them?”
— “Shy about Shia”

A: Dear “Shy about Shia,” I think we know who’s really the problem here. Who starts a fire with paper? Dryer lint is natural kindling. So burn some dust bunnies, send those letters, and get “Even Stevens.”