“Lions don’t concern themselves with the problems of sheep,” says Sam McKinney, one of the contestants on the latest season of the hit television reality dating show “The Bachelorette.” Sam was one of the contestants that quickly stole our hearts this season—he also stole the heart of Jenn Tran, this season’s titular “Bachelorette.” On night one, Jenn and Sam had instant chemistry. However, their sparks did not fly for long, as Sam’s toxic personality slowly came out over the course of the season, which got me thinking: why? Why is the environment of “The Bachelorette” so conducive to exposing toxic masculinity?
The short answer: men are insecure. As a man, I can tell you with confidence that many of us have no idea what we are doing, and if you are a man who has never been insecure, then you are lying to yourself. Men, it’s okay to be insecure, and please consider therapy if you need to. However, as I will outline here, do not handle it the way that Sam does. Rather, there are two ways that us men can deal with our insecurities: the Sam McKinney route and the Devin Strader route.
Before delving into this, I should give some context as to how “The Bachelorette” works. Every season, there is one bachelorette who has to choose between almost 30 men to be her fiancé by the end of the season. Week by week, the group goes on dates before the week culminates in a rose ceremony, where some of the men are sent home. This goes on until there is one man left standing. Due to the structure of the show, these men are constantly at each other’s throats. The result: compulsive, addictive reality TV that my girlfriend and I watch week-in and week-out.
From the get-go, Sam and Devin, another one of this season’s contestants, had beef with one another. The beef started with what I will call “Ice Cream Gate.” During one of the earliest group dates in Melbourne, Australia, the group visited Queen Victoria Market. On the date, Devin took it upon himself to take Jenn aside and surprise her with some ice cream. You might be thinking, “Wow! That’s a really nice, romantic thing.” Jenn loved it; the other guys, not so much. They viewed Devin’s kind act towards Jenn as an attack on them. However, this could not be further from the truth. All Devin did was woo Jenn, which is the point of the show. However, the guys did not take kindly to this move. They viewed Devin’s innocent act of kindness towards Jenn as a vindictive act against them.
The verdict: the guys couldn’t handle that Devin was kinder, more compassionate and generous towards Jenn than they were. As a result, all of the guys in the house started turning on Devin. This further escalated on a subsequent date where the guys and Jenn modeled with animals and the best model got extra time with Jenn, while the other eight guys were sent back to the hotel. At the cocktail party later that week, the guys asked if they could have time with Jenn before anyone else, to which Devin said, “I will be respectful of your guys’ time, but I won’t be put last in line.” Devin, true to his word, conversed with Jenn before anyone else without disrupting anyone else. Here, again, Devin was just trying to do his best to strengthen his connection with Jenn. While he conversed with Jenn first that night, he did not bar anyone else the opportunity to converse with Jenn. However, many of the guys argued with Devin that night, including Sam.
As I watched the show, I noticed a pattern emerge: every time the producers interviewed Sam, he would mention Devin, but Devin would not mention Sam in his interviews. Devin would talk about Jenn; Sam would talk about Devin. Why? Because Devin is secure in his skin, and Sam is not. At the “Men Tell All,” an episode in which all of the men gather after the season to discuss and reflect on the season, Jeremy, another contestant, said this about Sam: “Have you ever watched ‘Mean Girls’ and noticed that Lindsay Lohan’s character hates Regina George, but all she talks about is Regina George? That’s Sam M.”
I could not have put it better myself. While Sam was more concerned about being the alpha dog this season by punching down on Devin, Devin was only concerned with treating the girl he loved with kindness, dignity and respect while blocking out the noise.
