Look, I’m no expert on relationships because, well, I’ve never been in one. But, as someone who’s watched countless friends crawl through the depths of heartbreak, binge-eating ice cream while sobbing to “The Notebook,” I think I’ve picked up a few nuggets of wisdom. I’ve seen the whole spectrum: the criers, the “on to the next” types, the hopeless romantics who play their shared Spotify playlist on repeat like it’s a form of self-torture… So, if you’re fresh out of a relationship and looking for some top-notch advice from someone who’s lived it vicariously through others, you’ve come to the right place.

1. Cry It Out… or Don’t. Whatever Works.

First things first, let’s address the emotional floodgates. Some people sob uncontrollably, as if their tears could somehow flood their ex’s DMs and make them come crawling back. Others? Well, they bottle it up, staying as dry as the Sahara Desert. Here’s the thing: it’s your breakup, so do you. Cry like you’ve just been personally victimized by Titanic or keep that stoic, “I’m totally fine” face on until one day you accidentally cry over a sad commercial. Whatever works.

2. Channel Your Inner Taylor Swift (or Adele, depending on the mood)

Music heals the soul. Fact. Whether you’re in your “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” phase or you’re belting out “Someone Like You” with a glass of wine in hand, music is your best friend. Blast those breakup anthems until you’ve emotionally exhausted yourself. Bonus points if you make a playlist and name it something dramatic like “Dead Inside” or “Loving You Was My Biggest Mistake.”

3. Reminisce (But Don’t Overdo It)

Okay, yes, you can look at the cute pictures, remember the good times and scroll through your old messages. Feel the nostalgia hit. But here’s my advice—set a timer. You’re allowed to reminisce, but if you catch yourself three hours deep, rereading the texts about how they “loved you more than anything,” it’s time to pull the plug. Step away from the phone. Repeat after me: “I will not turn into a memory hoarder.”

4. Find Your New “Person” (But Don’t Rush It)

Some people treat breakups like it’s a sprint to find the next available option. They’ve barely swiped away their tears before they’re swiping right on Tinder. Hey, no judgment! If you want to get back on that horse, saddle up, partner! Just don’t start hunting for your next significant other while still drafting passive-aggressive texts to your ex. That’s called emotional multitasking and, trust me, nobody wins there.

5. Use TV as a Distraction (Just Avoid the Rom-Coms)

Nothing like a good TV binge to drown your sorrows. But here’s the catch: stay away from anything that might remotely resemble a rom-com, unless you enjoy emotional masochism. Stick to shows with zero romance—I’m talking “Planet Earth” or “The Great British Bake Off.” Because nothing screams “I’m healing” like watching bread rise. It’s the least emotional investment you’ll ever make and honestly, it’s beautiful.

6. Seek Out Your Support System

And by support system, I mean that one friend who will gladly trash-talk your ex for hours. There’s something oddly therapeutic about hearing someone say, “You were way too good for them anyway” or “Honestly, they were weirdly obsessed with their cat, it was never going to work.” It’s a beautiful way to get over them. Just don’t forget to return the favor when it’s your friend’s turn to be heartbroken.

7. Treat Yourself (No, Seriously)

Breakups are the perfect excuse to indulge in some serious self-care. And by self-care, I mean overspending on things you don’t need but will totally convince yourself are necessary for your healing. A new wardrobe? Obviously. Expensive skincare products? Essential. Seven orders of takeout in a row? Absolutely justified. Look, nobody’s judging you, you’re going through a hard time! Plus, retail therapy is a scientific solution to heartbreak… probably.

8. Pretend You’re Over It Until You Actually Are

Here’s a classic: fake it till you make it. Post a picture of yourself looking happy on Instagram with a caption like, “Living my best life” or “On to bigger and better things!” Then, when your ex sees it, they’ll either be impressed or terrified by your emotional strength. Either way, you win. Meanwhile, internally, you may still be a mess, but it’s all about the image, right?

9. Time is Your Frenemy

Here’s the annoying truth nobody wants to hear: time actually does heal. But it does so at the pace of a turtle on vacation. So, while you’re sitting there wishing the pain would disappear overnight, just know it’s working in the background like a slow-burning candle you forgot you lit. Patience, young grasshopper. Eventually, you’ll wake up and you won’t even care what your ex is doing on social media anymore. Progress.

10. Be Kind to Yourself

At the end of the day, breakups suck. No matter how you slice it, they’re messy, emotional and often leave you questioning everything. But here’s the thing—you’ll survive. You’ll get through it. You’re tougher than you think. So, take the time to heal, however long it may take, and remember that you deserve someone who won’t leave you sobbing into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

And who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll get to take my own advice. Until then, I’ll be here, watching my friends cry into their pillows while I hand them tissues and say, “I told you so.”