It was the first day of classes. The birds were chirping, the cold had not yet seeped into our bones and the professors were still sharpening their teeth before sucking the blood from our necks. We awoke in the morning, still fresh and eager before being beaten into submission by the unending schedule (why did I sign up for this club, I have three things at the same time!) and we were ready for the day to begin. 

Now for those pampered, spoiled beings in the upper campus, perhaps this means nothing to you. But when you were awake until 4 a.m. the night before, running up the hill at 8:27 the next morning is a memory many remember with less than fondness. The burning in your legs, the heaving breaths as you explode through the door in Academic West, barely reaching the lecture hall before the door closes. While it may not be a happy memory, it is one that we can all share with a certain (lack of) humor. 

I propose a wild idea. As we all know, the KLARC is essentially straight north of the quad, straight down the hill and a painful experience to make it either up or down with any haste. Yet it feels as if all of our classes are separated from home by that trial of pain and heart palpitations. The great barrier, some may say, between blessed sleep and the toils of college. 

Between the unlimited access to the caf (where the chicken is now only sometimes still clucking) and the ability to overload, first years might inevitably gain some weight. The freedom available to so many for the first time (see my previous article) can be a blessing in some ways but also a curse. The joke of gaining 20 pounds may be lighthearted, but it is more true than we would like to acknowledge. Some students have such a busy schedule that they keep trying to make time for the gym and just can’t. 

And yet here on campus, we have the perfect solution sitting right in front of us: the hill. Every day, a climb to the pursuit of academics and companionship alike. Even on the three party nights of the week, what comes down must go up. Nearly every student must cross the great barrier of the hill at least once a day. With its proximity and inexplicable convenience, I can only conclude one thing: aliens! The KLARC must secretly also include the hill up. 

It’s the perfect crime. All students are coerced by the promise of parties or classes, of food or escape. Simply a natural feature, or a deliberate plot by the deep campus to give us buff calves? We may never know, but we can speculate. Speculation is the key when dealing with such devious plots, but never falter! For all we know, the Bison statues could have cameras in them! 

(My lawyer has advised me to clarify that the last line is a joke.)