In today’s grand American subconscious, there are two creatures who have their strong place in our minds and still draw breath. Moo Deng, the psychic baby pygmy hippo who has been a better judge of political polls than any other to ever grace our television screens, and Pesto the Penguin, a chubby chick who can eat a whopping 25 fish each day. Chubbiness, internet presence and charisma unmatched by most actors can be attributed to both of these cute creatures.

Moo Deng, being a hippo, naturally loses on the fluffiness front. Pesto the Penguin is simply too fluffy of a birdie to even have competition in the category, and easily takes the point. Even though he can’t fly, he’s still soaring to an early lead. 

Next, the chub factor. This contest is far closer, for even though Moo Deng is built from chub, Pesto has become such a chubby baby bird that he’s even begun to dwarf the other penguins in his enclosure. And honestly, do you find a chubby fluffy penguin cuter or a regularly chubby baby hippo? Pesto gets another point here from me. Moo Deng, with her tiny legs, is falling behind in the race to victory.

But, next comes a chance for her to catch up. The face competition. I don’t know about you, but when looking at the face of a cute creature, a long beak trying to poke my eye out is generally a net negative for attractiveness. And with her cute filed tusks and round snoot, Moo Deng takes the cake for this challenge, bringing her closer to a potential comeback victory. 

Next, popularity. While Pesto certainly has a cult following, Moo Deng is well known in far more circles. Even political thinkers, not known for any particular following for cute baby animals, have heard of Moo Deng for her psychic abilities in American elections. Being from Thailand herself, that becomes even more impressive. While it is perhaps my most controversial of opinions here, I will give Moo Deng this point, catapulting her melon-shaped body to equal pace with Pesto. 

For the final category, we’ll be considering combat prowess. While Moo Deng is the obvious choice here, all 50 pounds of Pesto could still do serious damage if utilized properly against his rotund nemesis. While hippos are among the most dangerous of all animals in the animal kingdom, Moo Deng has been raised in captivity, and as such does not have the combat experience that her wild brethren would, closing the gap between the two considerably. Even so, she should not be underestimated, as her jaws still undoubtedly hold the strength to flatten Pesto like a rolling pin over bread dough. In this contest, even with Pesto’s natural size, he is also of a disposition that, frankly, he’d rather be eating than engaging in mortal combat with a hippopotamus. As such, I have to award this point, and thus the championship, to Moo Deng.

The hippo has won. Hippo supremacy can now be guaranteed.