Lately, I’ve been trying to fix my life, like actually fix it, not just saying that I will and then fall into the same patterns again. I’ve been making many changes, pushing myself to be better and in the process, I’ve realized just how much of my motivation is fueled by validation. Not just in an obvious way, like wanting praise or approval, but in how deeply ingrained the need to be validated is in everything I do.
Academic validation? Absolutely. The way I will mentally spiral over one bad grade as if it cancels out every achievement I’ve ever had is ridiculous. And it’s not just me. The way people structure their entire identities around being “the smart one” or “the overachiever” is terrifying. You could push yourself through all-nighters, breakdowns and so much burnout, but if the grade isn’t high enough, suddenly none of it counts. Because who are we if we’re not performing at the highest level? And when do we actually feel satisfied? This dependence upon academic validation isn’t okay. And stop romanticizing it, too. I’m guilty of it, but seriously, stop. Academic validation and glorifying burnout are not some badge of honor.
And then there’s male validation, which is a whole different mess. People talk about it like it’s just about wanting male attention, but it’s deeper than that. It’s how we’ve been conditioned to measure our worth based on how desirable we are in the eyes of men, whether we care about them romantically or not. It’s changing how we dress, how we act, how we exist in a space because somewhere, in the back of our minds, we know we’re being perceived. And that perception has been given weight, whether we want to admit it or not. The worst part is even when you recognize it, it doesn’t necessarily stop. You could be the most self-aware person in the world and still catch yourself wondering what a dude thinks of you before you even process what you think of him.
And if it’s not academic or male validation, it’s something else. The need to be the funniest in the group chat. The need to be the one who “has it all together.” The need to be liked by everyone, even people you don’t even truly respect. The need to be perceived as different, unique and interesting. It’s exhausting. Even when you think you’re past it, it sneaks up on you in ways you don’t expect. Why does it feel like an achievement when someone calls you “chill” or “not like other people”? Why does it feel like a loss when you realize you’re not the person someone imagined you to be? And why do we care so much about being “chosen” in the first place? Who told us that our value comes from being someone’s favorite?
And let’s talk about gym culture, because body validation is just a monster in itself. The gym can be a place of self-improvement, but for so many people, it turns into an obsession, not with health, but with appearance. Fitness culture has become so focused on aesthetics that it’s less about feeling strong and more about looking like you’re strong. For some, it’s about control. For others, it’s about proving something, to themselves, to men, to women or to society as a whole. And social media has made it so much worse. The endless stream of before-and-after transformation photos, fitness influencers pushing unattainable standards and the constant messaging that your body is always in need of improvement, it’s exhausting. And it’s not just men. Women feel it too, whether it’s through the pressure to be toned but not “too muscular,” curvy but not “too big,” fit but still effortlessly feminine. No one is winning in this cycle.
And let’s not pretend that men aren’t caught up in other forms of validation, too. The difference is that while women are conditioned to seek validation through appearance and social desirability, men are taught to find it in status, dominance and performance. If women are taught to be liked, men are taught to be respected. The need to prove something, to be the smartest in the room, the funniest or the most successful, drives people into the same cycle of chasing approval. And honestly, this is just what I think. I’m sure it plays out differently for different people, but at the end of the day, we’re all looking for some kind of external validation.
The scariest part? Most of us don’t even realize how much of our actions are driven by validation until we take a step back. How much of what we do is actually for ourselves? How much of our success is only satisfying because other people acknowledge it? How many of our insecurities wouldn’t even exist if no one else was around to judge them?
I don’t have a solution. I’m not about to end this with some “just be yourself” speech because if it were that easy, we wouldn’t all be fighting for some form of external approval. But I think it’s worth acknowledging because if we don’t, we’re going to keep chasing validation like a drug, always craving more but never actually feeling full.
