The Bucknellian was recently contacted by Dining Services, who wanted to queue us in on a pervasive concern that may be of interest to us: the case of the disappearing silverware.
“At first it was barely noticeable,” said one Bostwick Social House employee. “I mean, a decent amount of silverware goes missing every year anyway. But lately students have been coming up to us all the time, telling us that it’s all out.”
A distressed dishwasher was eager to share his thoughts with us.
“I can’t keep up with the demand! The caf opens up for the morning and then I need to be putting our remaining handful of washed utensils out 15 minutes later, continuing for hours on end. A line forms near the conveyor belt, students are demanding utensils—it’s a nightmare!”
To get to the bottom of this, a couple Bucknellian reporters decided to stake out the caf in the hopes of catching a lead. They saw the madness play out before their eyes: the caf was louder than ever before. Desperate for utensils, students were beginning to get aggressive. Although, most altercations didn’t last very long, because those with forks and knives made for threatening opponents.
When keeping their eyes peeled for a culprit proved fruitless, reporters began interviewing some caf-goers in hopes that someone would have some insight.
“I don’t know what all the fuss is,” said one student. “I’ve just started bringing reusable utensils, and I know some people just grab disposable ones from The Bison.”
“Some students don’t think it’s a big deal,” said another, “but I beg to differ. I pay tuition and $15 to $17 per meal, but can’t get something as simple as a spoon? Yesterday, I was eating globs of mashed potatoes with my bare hands.”
In the midst of the interviews, a passing student slipped a note into our News reporter’s hand. It read, “If you want to know more, meet me at my dorm, [redacted], at 5pm. My roommate will let you in. Make sure you’re not followed.”
The mastermind of the whole operation had led us right to their evil lair. As the door swung open, what met our reporter’s eyes was a sight to behold. Hundreds of utensils lined the one wall of the dorm, glimmering under the glow of string lights.
The student has requested to be quoted under the alias “Nick Swippensteal.”
“I really never planned on it becoming…this,” he said. “At first, I had just swiped a few, like everyone does. But then I got curious how much I could get away with. And it turns out the answer is, a lot.”
“Not everyone is in on it, so that’s the cause for the chaos,” Swippensteal explained. “It’s like black market s—. You gotta know someone who knows someone. If you want me to get you silverware, I’ll get it for you, but you gotta keep it on the low.”
“Then I sorta got sloppy with it over time, and it still didn’t seem to matter,” he continued. “I’d walk out of the caf with the utensils loudly jangling in my pocket as I walked, and no one ever stopped me. The caf is so busy, and they’re more worried about people trying to sneak in without swiping.
“Lately, I’ve just been doing it for fun. No one asks me to grab silverware for them anymore. My days of being Robin Hood are over. So now I’m just trying to see if I can manage to steal every single last one, hence the wall. They’re like my trophies.”
Swippensteal hopes that he’s able to grab the final few before he gets caught, and his clock will surely be ticking after this article’s publication.
Dining Services has assured us that the culprit will face sufficient punishment, although the Administration is “unsure what punishment is sufficient, as a student has never done anything like this before.”
