Yes, this is the new low I have reached. Writing about what foods are the best. I know, I know, that’s what an opinions section is for, and I’ve written far more asinine articles than this in the past. 

Oh, well. No rest for the wicked. And, believe me, some of these takes are beyond wicked. Yet, I will tell you that I’ve tried most of them and enjoyed them… that says more about me than I want it to, but we push onwards regardless!

Take #1: Wasabi on everything

Of course, I don’t mean actual wasabi, only the cheap pastes sold here in the US which are essentially recolored horseradish. But the extra zing adds a bit of flavor to every meal! Meal exchange from the Bison? Love me some wasabi chicken wraps. Tears of joy as I can’t feel my face, I swear! Lox, bagel and cream cheese? Hell. Yeah. Adds so much extra flavor to the lox and cuts through the fattiness of the cheese, while being still relatively mild compared to a straight hit of the stuff. Let me tell you, though, have a stuffy nose? Take a sniff of that tube and boy howdy, you’ll be breathing again. 

Take #2: Reheated coffee is better than regular coffee

I will probably receive the most flack for this take, but I still have enough self-respect to proudly scream it to the hills. Ever have that morning where you make a cup of coffee, but you don’t have time to finish it? Never fear, there is a solution! Put it in the microwave, and forget about it for a day. Reheat when needed, and voila, you’ve got a delicious cup of joe that only needs the push of a button to be nice and warm again. The cup will be plenty fresh, give a nice smell to the room and only include a minor amount of cancer in every fresh gulp. (Disclaimer: The Bucknellian does not endorse poisoning oneself.) Mix it with some hot chocolate powder, and there rests a delicious home-mixed mocha just waiting for your taste buds to grip into it. And there’s some quality about the reheated stuff— maybe it’s the extra time for the grounds to develop their lovely taste, maybe it’s the extra dose of radiation or maybe it’s even my brain making it up because I hadn’t slept for 24 hours. But something about it was damn good. 

Take #3: Pineapple does not belong on pizza

Pop, this one’s for you. Whoever puts pineapple on pizza should be given the old yeller treatment and scrubbed from our collective consciousness. It is the nature of the world to try every possible combination, I suppose. But when the inherent issue is pineapple, such a sweet and painful fruit, being put on pizza of all things, then a significant issue is at hand. The marinara is intended to be the sweet section, its savory flavor mixing in with the other toppings and giving an enhanced profile to each. With the pineapple, it works entirely contrarily, destroying that beautiful depth of flavor and installing a false layer of sweet and awesome proportion over the flavor kingdom. I will eat such pizzas only to prevent the waste of food, for it is an even greater evil for pineapple to cause the waste of good pizza than for it to exist upon the pizza in the first place. For the good of all pizza, stop the pineapple takeover!