“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem” – bell hooks, “The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love,” 88
After reading bell hooks’ “The Will to Change,” the quote above has stuck with us. As two male students at Bucknell, we have been talking about the way emotional suppression shapes our livelihood. From our friendships to our campus culture, we see how patriarchy encourages men to hide their emotions. This belief is deeply rooted in society, and we have felt its impact both personally and in those around us. We want to raise awareness about how the suppression of emotions is taught and how it causes harm to everyone.
When we were growing up, we were often told to “man up,” “stop crying” or “get over it.” We were praised for being tough and made fun of when we showed any sign of weakness. Over time, those subtle messages settle in. We learn to stay silent when we feel overwhelmed. We use humor or anger to cover up fear and sadness. We turn our emotions inward until we forget how to express them at all. These are not innate habits: they are taught.
Patriarchy doesn’t just hurt women. It tells men how they should behave and feel. While it may seem like emotional control is a strength, it often leaves us disconnected from ourselves and others. When men are not taught to process or express emotions in healthy ways, those feelings do not go away. Instead, they often come out as frustration or aggression. This creates conditions where misogyny can thrive. It makes it harder for men to build respectful and equal relationships. It allows men to avoid accountability for their actions. It keeps us dependent on the emotional labor of others, especially women.
Feminist thinkers like bell hooks and Simone de Beauvoir have helped us understand these dynamics. Under patriarchy, de Beauvoir argued, women are defined as “the Other.” Society looks at them as the emotional, irrational counterpart to men’s supposed logic and strength. That distinction traps women and also confines men. If women are seen as emotional, then men are expected to be the opposite. What looks like freedom is really a cage.
We don’t think there’s an easy fix. However, we do believe that awareness matters. We want more men on campus to think about what we’ve been taught about what it means to “be a man” and what that does to us. We want to encourage small changes. That could be checking in on a friend, being honest when we’re not okay or apologizing when we mess up. These are not dramatic gestures, but they all matter. This work is about continuous growth. Feeling is not a weakness but a normal human function, and learning to feel is a big step towards change.
“Indeed, men who feel, who love, often hide their emotional awareness from other men for fear of being attacked and shamed. This is the big secret we all keep together— the fear of patriarchal maleness that binds everyone in our culture. We cannot love what we fear.” Bell Hooks, “The Will to Change,” 29