Jack Wiles

Columnist

The typical “Bucknell girl” has multiple personality disorder. For those of you without a PhD in psychology, this is a serious concern. It has taken me four long and arduous years to gain anything remotely close to an understanding of this creature, and this is what I have compiled.

Personality 1: The in-class “Bucknell girl”: Here, she is attentive, constantly scribbling down notes and sitting with good posture. Never will she disagree with her professor, and if she disagrees with him, it is because the teacher is encouraging disagreement, so she’s still technically agreeing with him. If the “Bucknell girl” went out, had a boy over or was too busy having a passive-aggressive pillow talk with her roommate the night before, she is wearing a baseball cap. Oh, and leggings, a sweatshirt and UGGs. (Typically black, gray and brown, respecively). She conveys to her peers that she truly cares about the world, politics, her classes, etc. She is responsible and would rarely do anything wrong.

Personality 2: The “Bucknell girl” after dark. Here, she is dressed up. Whether it is in the theme of the night, or a “dress,” she is scantily clad, leaving little to the imagination, trying to look hotter than all of the other girls that are out that night. Just like the in-class “Bucknell girl,” the nighttime girl often incorporates a table into her routine. While the in-class girl is studying on it, the night time girl is dancing on top of it, double-fisting mixed drinks. She is hammered. Nighttime girl has no problem cursing loudly, dancing suggestively or being completely inhibition-free. She also may head back to a male’s bedroom … but I’ll leave that for Stacey Lace to cover in “Sleeping Around.”

There’s a reason girls get better grades–-they have figured out how to beat the system. They can be complete idiots at night and have fun just like guys while Personality 1 does their homework for them. It’s like they have a clone that does school for them. The “Bucknell guy” is not good at hiding that he is hungover or doesn’t care about the class while in class. ­He often stupidly disagrees with the professor and loudly talks about what he doesn’t like about the professor while standing right next to him. Generally, the “Bucknell guy” is honest, brutally honest in fact, so much so that he can come off as a dick. But he’s not a dick. He also does not have multiple personality disorder, but maybe he should. “Bucknell girls,” you’ve figured it out; you know how to win here. Have some pity on us guys, we’re just simple people trying to make it out here on these hard, hard streets.