From the mind of Wiley Jack: Anchor Crash

By Jack Wiles


Three years in a row I have attended Anchor Splash, which is an excellent philanthropic event run by the Delta Gamma sorority. Every year there are kids doing stupid things, making fools of themselves and people are yelling all sorts of humorous things, often obscenities. It is a most excellent event, perfect for college students and for a good cause. This is what the University wants. However, I realized something when there this past week that makes my mind pull a complete 180 … and now I dislike it.

Why am I looking at dudes in little to no clothing, and girls all wearing one-pieces? There is something seriously wrong with this, my friends. While a guy in a banana hammock is pretty funny, every girl in the pool wearing a one-piece makes me want to cry. After realizing this, I was totally baffled, and couldn’t get this pressing issue off of my mind. Why would girls do this? At night, girls are constantly trying to out-perform other girls with skimpy dresses and shirts that let the midriff pop. Now, when these girls are given the opportunity to sport the bods they worked so hard to perfect for Spring Break, they cower in the corner in a swimsuit that an elementary school girl would wear.

“Wiley, you’re being too harsh; the point of Anchor Splash is not to gawk at girls!” is what some girl is definitely going to say to me. To this, I have a retort: why should you get to gawk at dudes in Speedos? This is an unfair situation. Sure, the male body is more utilitarian than the female body. Unless your name is David and you were sick at slinging stones at big dudes, the male body is used far less frequently for art than the female body. This point in itself should be enough to convince you ladies to rock what you’ve got. Show off those natural curves in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini. You’re in college, probably with a body in its peak condition. You are a well-sculpted machine. Love your bodies, and show them off to those guys in the stands. We will thank you later. 

To the guys out there in nut-huggers and coin purses, I really don’t care if you wear them, but you should join my cause. It’s not right that you are putting it all out there for the world to see when you get nothing in return. Woodrow Wilson once said, “Leadership does not always wear the harness of compromise.” Luckily for you boys, you were in a harness of compromise on Thursday night at Anchor Splash. It was around your waist.

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