Luckey Charms: Dean to Keep Scalps Alongside Paraphernalia as Show of Terror

Will Luckey, Columnist

Lewisburg – In a press conference on Wednesday, a Dean of the University announced that he would begin displaying the scalps of his victims around his office.

“For years I have been decorating my office with drug paraphernalia confiscated from students, to show them just what I am capable of. Although that worked in years past, kids these days need a slightly more extreme gesture to strike the fear of God in them,” the Dean said.

Indeed, any forsaken student who has been made to undertake the death march into the Dean’s lair will recall the many trophies the Dean hoards around him like treasure to a dragon. The most notable of items are a four-foot long Illadelph bong, and a Volcano vaporizer. These items are apparently meant to show off the awesomeness of the Dean’s power. Some say they have heard the paraphernalia actually moan and wail, as though they withheld the tortured souls of the students who once owned and loved them.

“But times have changed. With the lack of a point system my hands are tied with red tape, and the students have grown unruly and defiant. I have no power, no muscle. The students laugh at me as I send them off to counseling. What happened to the old days of hard service and public humiliation? I was feared then. Dogs would whimper when they saw me coming, people would cross the street to avoid me. Now I’m nothing, a shadow of my former self. But the school has gotten too soft, and I can smell an insurrection brewing. So I will now be scalping the students brought to me for punishment. I will then exhibit their dried scalps alongside with my other trophies. Then convicted students will cower before my desk and plead for forgiveness, to no avail. There will be no mercy, no matter how petty the offense. Too many parking tickets? Scalp. Playing music too loud? Scalp-town, population you,” the Dean said, frothing at the mouth.

The student body has expressed a mixed reaction to the new policy:

“Come on man, first you have to take our drugs now you want our scalps? This school just hates fun,” a sophomore boy said.

“Hey, rules are rules. If you break them, you don’t deserve a scalp,” a senior boy said.

“So does this mean he’ll just take my scalp and not my bong? I guess that’s fine,” a junior girl said.

The Dean also announced plans to place a smoke machine at the entrance to his office, and to “keep more chains around.” At press time, he was seen filing down his teeth so they would resemble fangs.

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