Every morning at 1:09 a.m. exactly, every single student on the University’s campus gets a single notification that lights up their phone in the early hours of the day: a Bucknell Message Center notification.

These emails used to be full of information and helpful tips, as well as fire and safety logs, but the format has made a drastic change since coming back to school. 

Coronavirus and COVID-19 are splashed across every single page, every paragraph and every headline. News has shifted to explicitly coronavirus news. No news is good news. 

Some students wanted to share their thoughts and tips and tricks on the new format.

“Okay, so, if you go onto page [redacted] and you scroll down to the bottom there should be a little icon or blurb or something talking about [redacted]. Click on it, and it will take you to a different website where you can pay for negative test results! But not too many people can know, which is why I’m okay with sharing this in the middle of a satire article,” Mike Mail ’22 said.

“What’s nice about the new format is that they’ve been offering paid research underground to find a vaccine for COVID-19. You just have to know where to look. I get paid all the time to go and drive a little ways away and get some needles poked into my arm,” Isabel Inbox ’21 said. “I feel totally fine and keep testing negative so I think it might be working! Best part is for sure the money, though.”

“Why did you ask me about this? I don’t even read those emails,” Eddie Early ’23 said. 

Clearly the opinions appear to be split, but the general consensus is that the messages are clearly different. Coronavirus has crept into every headline, including the one for this article. I am sorry for contributing to the hype, but of course, I only write about the most important things, like senioritis and dorm decorations. 

It is highly recommended that you don’t try to purchase negative test results since they have them for free at Sojka Pavilion throughout the week in a controlled environment. It’s even easier if you wear a mask because you are much less likely to contract coronavirus. Washing your hands is known to prevent diseases, meaning you can save a lot of driving and a lot of money by practicing basic hygiene. Lucky for us. 

Also, I wouldn’t recommend undergoing the testing for a new vaccine because the information I was given reminds me more of the kinds of needles I don’t want put into my arm.