If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: the coronavirus has taken over the writing world. Even mine, as you can see. I hope you know that I am not thrilled about it either, but that’s how it’s going for now. 

That being said, last week the student body of the University boasted an incredible feat: zero active COVID-19 cases on campus. You read that right. Zero active cases. 

All hell broke loose, as you can imagine. What do you get when there’s a few thousand college kids with drinking problems stuck inside for weeks and then they discover there is actually nothing keeping them inside? A lot of beer. And a lot of full sends. 

I watched a lot of the YouTuber SteveWillDoIt recently and I can’t say I’m not impressed. The man is superhuman. Drinking 19 beers in an hour and 10 minutes? Done. Eating 4500 milligrams worth of gummy edibles? Done. Eating 30 In-n-Out burgers in one sitting? Done.

But once these bored and desperate (and did I mention bored?) college students found out there’s no coronavirus on campus, it reminded me of “Animal House” mixed with SteveWillDoIt’s crazy feats. 

“Yeah dude, the amount of alcohol consumed? Way more than what I thought was possible. We filled three contractor bags’ worth of empty beer cans after the weekend. There were four of us,” Tyler Free ’21 said. “Oh, come on. You didn’t even ask the important question. Ask me if I had a good time or something,” when asked if he blacked out.

We then asked if he had a good time, to which he replied, “Of course I did. Full send for the boys.”

I didn’t want to write the phrase “full send for the boys,” but Free was adamant about it. 

In other news, it is rumored that there was a contest to see who could run through a cornfield the fastest after drinking corn whiskey because physical activity after alcohol consumption is a) a good idea and b) definitely won’t result in puking and rallying. If you refer back to the title of this article, that is the appropriate Jeopardy response to this situation. 

The biggest betrayal I have ever heard of is those that do Edward Fortyhands, only to fall asleep before the party. What a shame it is to only half send. 

College is the time for dumb things, and people, as we have seen, will always do dumb things, whether it’s with their friends, alone, at college or during a pandemic. College is also prime time for full sends.

Keep wearing a mask — those numbers need to stay low. We don’t want to be put on “double secret probation.”