As I do every day, I walked to the Bison for  lunch five minutes before the lunch period ended. On my way, I gazed upon a thing so horrifying and disturbing that I did not know how to react. For the sake of my safety and of everyone reading this, I will be forced to use several pseudonyms so as to not get a failing grade when the professor (you know who you are) gets ahold of this. 

It was a fine fall day when I took my usual trip to haggle with the cafeteria workers over the amount of ketchup I can have (Answer: all of it, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a big, fat, ugly liar who just does it to appease The Man. Ketchup hoarders). When I noticed the pale, sweaty, balding face of *Dr. Potluckesquire. He teaches a class on The Letter B (What does it stand for?) from 8:50 a.m.-4 p.m. every other day of the week, and I thought he only went out for appearances. Turns out he was “grabbing a drink” from the Elaine Langone Center (ELC). The only reason I use quotation marks is that he could just as easily DoorDashed it as every normal person would. Sure, it might cost $35.99 for a small soda from Tennessee, but it’s worth it to most of us. Anyway, I was thankful he didn’t see me, otherwise, he would have asked why my “B” midterm project was made out of seven popsicle sticks and submitted 11 days early without the accompanying seven-page essay.

The answer to this question is simple: I don’t like wasting my sticks, and my roommate ate all my play-doh already.

Nevertheless, this encounter has left me shaken and forever cautious of whom might see me as I go about my day. Who’s next? My friends? Will my family see me? I shudder at the thought. After all of this trauma, I still have to ask: which one of the faculty let him out? Who at the University dared to let him see the sunlight? I did not know, but I definitely did not want to find out. 

To conclude, in addition to the mask I have been wearing for seven straight weeks, I will also be wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap and a very heavy jacket to further obscure my identity from these vile creatures. Although my attendance and output in class are constantly questioned by my professors, I will never let it stop me from my quest to steal as many ketchup packets from the lunchroom as I possibly can. *Dr. Potluckesquire can’t stop me, the cafeteria workers can’t stop me and a lifetime ban from the ELC won’t stop me either.