LEWISBURG, PA–“Let’s give another big hand for Mod Fish. That was a wonderful 17-minute rendition of Crash by Dave Matthews Band,” the assembly leader announces.

“Now for the event you’ve all been waiting for, I present the president of Duo Security!” Scattered claps and coughs sporadically fill the otherwise silent field house. The audience consists solely of MGMT101 students who were required to attend. Out from stage left comes the visibly sweaty, turtle-neck clad presenter sporting a jaw-locking smile that can only be achieved through the proximate use of stimulants.

This guy is super pumped to tell us about his humble beginnings as a part-time Geek Squad employee to full-time owner of the world’s most efficient, not at all redundant or incredibly counterproductive cyber security network. The president enthusiastically greets our crowd of zombified management students whose sole focus is bent on trying to get in on the Juul rotation happening in the row in front of them.

In between bouts of consciousness subsided by fleeting nicotine highs, the sweaty orator delivers the kicker to the onlooking crowd, “… we are now proud to introduce the latest innovation in cyber security: Triple factor authentication.” At that moment everyone deemed their attentiveness more important than their TikTok feed for the time being.

“What!” a single student exclaims after five excruciating seconds of silence. The president nervously fumbles the mic, all those bathroom nose-clams could be getting to him. “So with triple factor authentication we hope to make your life online even more secure and convenient. What’s convenient about this innovation is that you have the choice of several options in how you authenticate,” the sweaty presenter says with a renewed exuberance. The crowd doesn’t seem to reciprocate.

“Users are given the choice between a reCaptcha (CIA firewall edition), a retinal scan, or the purchase of a third cell phone to enter your University ID in –– these choices are exclusive for University students!” Uh oh. Students are leaving in droves, he’s losing them. “Well, I can understand your confusion,” addressing the fleeing crowd, “The company’s name is ‘Duo’ so why would I implement Triple-Factor authentication? Seems a little off brand, doesn’t it?” he chuckles.

You gotta hand it to this guy, he’s a gifted showman. “Well let me say on behalf of everyone at Duo, we are excited to announce our rebranding to the new and improved ‘Trio Security.’ We’re just waiting for the patent companies to triple authenticate our request.”

The same guy who exclaimed the stinging “What” earlier follows up with an equally resentful, “Dude.” That seemed to be the queue for everyone else to leave the field house. Just another day in the office for this Duo — I’m sorry, Trio — employee. Let’s just hope an officer doesn’t triple authenticate his driving on the way home.