Culture: Lewisburg passes ordinance to amplify train horn inside dorms

Nabeel Jan and Liz Whitmer, Staff Writer and Satire Co- Editor

LEWISBURG –– At a city hall meeting this Thursday, the Lewisburg Chamber of Commerce announced that, owing to lower ticket sales at the Buggy Museum in Mifflinburg and slim attendance at community tractor pulls, the city would start amplifying the Lewisburg train horn through a network of loudspeakers, train modifications and a strategic partnership with Apple Music (best known for its previous blanketing approach to U2’s “Songs of Innocence”).

Local train conductor Frank “Toot” Miownhorn was instrumental in passing this legislation. At the public hearing for the resolution, Toot stated, “This area is just so rich with culture, and these students willfully ignore it inside their little University utopia. We’re trying to cultivate a generation of worldly scholars, and the lack of those very people in Central Pennsylvania will add a needed perspective to these global citizens.”

In order to achieve this goal, the city stripped all trains of their mufflers and installed broadcast stations every two blocks. The horn amplification is now an ever-present part of the University campus, as most loudspeakers feed directly into residential buildings. Councilman Jerry Mander said the goal was to increase train horn usage to roughly equal to, if not more than, the Vedder fire alarms. Students can expect to hear this lovely, gentle blast at 15 minute intervals between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m. for the rest of the semester. Some have praised its “loudness” during late night studying sessions, calling it the perfect mix of “jarring” and “why God, why did they do this” due to its patented “Focus-Orienting Aura™.” Now, students have no choice but to be fully immersed within the community surrounding the University, regardless of their preference.

Local business owners are also fans of the move. Many downtown shopkeepers enthusiastically informed Bucknellian reporters that they expect tourism rates to skyrocket from their previous plateau (zero monthly visitors) to a record of 3.5 through this new initiative. “I’ve been visiting more shops than I used to. If anything, it’s because I run to the closest shelter when I hear a horn. I think the sudden blasts of noise trigger something primal inside of me,” a local member of the community said.

To keep the momentum going, both the Buggy Museum and Tractor Pull Committee of Pennsylvania (better known as the PCP) are offering transportation services for students who want to really throw themselves into the world around them and break out of the mundane, daily routine of blasting SoundCloud remixes in their Porsches and Range Rovers.

Due to increased demand, the University Housing Services Office has also announced the rate for room and board will increase to reflect the new and improved ambiance. The local train soundtrack will soon be available on all streaming platforms, with a remix reportedly in the works with Percy and Gordon from the hit show “Thomas the Tank Engine.”

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