This past week, several students were suspended and sent home from the University for hosting a “super-spreader” event with the intention of spreading the novel coronavirus to other students. As a public health and safety threat, the students responsible were quickly caught, reprimanded and sent home.

“Yeah, I’m still a little confused on why we got sent home because one of the people was my roommate and the other was someone who lives on our hall that we share bathroom facilities with, and all of us were wearing masks,” Jack Ovid ’23 said. “Like, if we’d had COVID-19, I’m sure it would be rampant in the communal bathrooms. You know how it is.”

“They’re calling it a superspreader event and there were only three of us in the room, two of which lived in said room. No rules were broken, and none of us even have COVID-19. My mom is so mad at me; she wanted me gone for four months, not just one,” Kurt Rona ’23 said. 

Apparently, the headlines have circulated all across campus, and everyone is on guard — not wanting to be reprimanded for trying to maintain their sanity by making contact with someone on the outside of the prison-like walls of their own dorm room. 

“The headline doesn’t even make sense. None of us even have COVID19, and there were three of us!” Jan Demic ’23 said. “Going to the bathroom is more of a superspreader event than this.”

When prompted about the superspreader event in question, the police officer heading the investigation stated that he was, “absolutely positive there had been a party or function going on in that dorm room. We received a noise complaint from an anonymous source, who said they heard really loud crying coming from the room, so we busted in there looking for what had been causing the noise, and found three students together in the same room. There was popcorn and a movie playing, which could have implied that there had been a party there earlier, but we were too late to reprimand the students in attendance.”

When asked if he believed that there might just have been a couple of friends watching a movie together safely, he said “No. Absolutely not. I have never seen such guilty behavior before. One of the students we reprimanded was crying when we went inside the room, probably from the guilt.” No alcohol or literally anything illegal was found, except perhaps the concerning amount of hand sanitizer on Rona’s desk — “enough hand sanitizer to drown someone,” per the investigator.

When probed further and asked if he believed three masked students should be defined as a “superspreader event,” the officer heading the case declined to comment. 

“The crying was because we were watching ‘Legally Blonde’ and I just cry every time I watch that movie. It’s too emotional for me,” Demic said.