With the end of the semester coming up soon, we here at the Bucknellian thought it would be pretty radical to give you some easy tips and tricks to survive make it through the end of the semester.

• Ditch your Friends!

Class is hard. We know that it is. Still, if you want to make it through this whole college experience, you need good grades! Hence, leave your friends and family behind and just focus on your academics. You don’t need a social life… who do you think you are? We’re all stumbling around in the dark anyway when it comes to assignments, so there is nothing to worry about except those tiny letters on your report card that you need to get from one year to the next. There may be pain, but there’s no worse agony than failing your classes.

• Sleep Less!

Classwork requires a lot of time, and we mean a lot. Sleep takes up about eight hours (if you are lucky) — time which you could otherwise spend doing work. After having a good time with your friends during normal daytime hours, organization and block scheduling are the last thing you need! Just start whenever your sleep window typically opens. Forget breaks! That gets in the way of valuable time you could spend sitting down at the computer typing words down! C’mon, man. You don’t need sleep. Sleep is for the weak. You know those people you don’t like? Have you ever known any singular person you disagree with? Yeah, they sleep. That’s because they’re lame. Don’t be like them.

• Reject Corporeal Existence and Ascend.

Now look, we never said you had to pass this semester, but rather this is a chance to open your third eye. Take a rest and even catch up on the much needed downtime in a meditative state and think about the “One True Animal King,” also known as the Manatee.  This was what I did during my “The Barbie Doll: A lesson in Misogyny” lecture series the other day.  Personally, I sponsor a manatee named Daisy, the most glorious sea cow in all of the Floridian waters. If you are generous enough, it will grant you a leather wallet out of gratitude and you will ascend to a higher plane of existence. Thus, you will become one with the Manatees. Your Religious Studies Professor will be so impressed at your connection with nature that you will pass with flying colors! That is, if you had the foresight to take a religious studies course this semester.

• Use Classic Methods of Knowledge Osmosis.

This strategy is all about the absorption of knowledge. It’s simple. You know that big textbook you probably paid a hundred bucks for? Well, grab a pool, fill it up, then tear out each page of that sucker and toss it in. Then, step in and relax as the knowledge flows into your mind like water through a filter of brainpower. Another tactic is using subliminal messaging to your advantage. Like many weirdos listening to podcasts, you want something to speak to you while you sleep. What you should listen to, however, are class recordings. Boom! Now you can fall asleep even easier, because it’s just like what you do during class anyway. If that doesn’t work, just eat the paper. It’s the most straightforward way of knowledge osmosis known to man.

So there it is.  Follow these steps and nail your classes, all without going to a single lecture. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to soak in some hydrology and do my Manatee chants. Toodeloo!