Coffee

Listen, before I say anything else, most drugs are bad. However, coffee, which has caffeine, is good. Despite that, drinking coffee black is for maniacs and there are no exceptions to that. One more thing, just for the record — coffee isn’t considered an “additive” to mix with that Monster Energy sludge. I don’t want to hear it, Todd, you foolish buffoon.

Sleep

Sleep may not sound pretty exciting, but in our culture of wishing we didn’t exist, sleep is perfect for embracing death without the commitment. Besides that, it uses up 50 calories an hour. While calorie counts are different for everyone, we believe that with a proper 13 hours of sleep a day, you too could sculpt your body like cows at a meat factory. Just ask Todd. He eats cows all the time.

Just Embrace Yourself Already

Technically, if you’re on the beach, any kind of body is a beach body. Just go out there and have a good time. What’s the worst that could happen? People throw fruit at you? Free fruit! People call you fat? Just sit on them! Odds are, nobody is going to criticize you more than yourself, so you can rest easy knowing that other people aren’t going to put you through the ringer. Todd might, though. I’d watch out for him.

Alternative Medicine

While this is a vague term ranging from marijuana to frankincense, it is certainly an option. Thousands of websites are lying to you and saying that using frankincense loses weight, like I’m doing now, but you know what? I’m honest. Frankincense smells wonderful, but does it make you lighter? Since the aroma the frankincense gives off goes up from the filtrator, is it able to reach your nostrils and brain much faster. To put in another context, is a bird lighter when it flies versus when it is grounded? For the sake of the argument, I will give a definitive yes. It’s similar to ducks. Did you know ducks are lighter when they float on water compared to when they dive under for food? Ducks can increase their mass at any time. Todd told me so.

Exercise

 While I will always consider this a last resort in all possible scenarios, there is always exercise. Not to be confused with exorcists (no, the weight is not a “demon”), exercise is similarly painful and far less effective (and addictive, that’s for sure) than the other methods listed here. Exercise often takes weeks or months of routine suffering to achieve body goals. Oftentimes, these goals are hopelessly unrealistic, as I learned trying to sculpt my dwarf-like pudge-stomach into a sextuplet of washboard abs. Damn you Todd and your seven-pack. He’s always one-upping me.