As a single, intellectually wealthy bachelor with no relationship prospects aside from the one grasshopper in my window, it’s my job as a journalist to give stark and meaningful advice for all you other young men in the business of relationships. The first piece of advice I have? It’s not a business. It’s like taking care of a pet, except you’re the pet and you need to keep from tinkling on the carpet like one of those awful chihuahuas — and that’s it. You want a perfect first date? Take her to Taco Bell. You want a perfect second date? Take her there a second time. I think my job here is done. 

What do you mean I still have a few more paragraphs to go? Fine, fine.

The key to a perfect date is Mexican food. (Kidding, kidding! Just this once.) The key to a perfect first date is memory. You want her to remember it, and to do that you need to take her out of her comfort zone. A walk in the woods is a perfect starting point. Out there, there won’t be a cell tower for miles. It would just be you and her. How romantic! Just bring breadcrumbs so you can find your way back. I forgot to drop some on one trip, but the bear was nice enough to chase us back the way we came once it found the breadcrumbs in my backpack.

I’m sure if you plan out well enough, you could secure a log cabin in the woods. The key to this magic is to keep it all a secret from your future betrothed. If you could keep her guessing until you let her out in the middle of nowhere four hours later, she’ll be metaphorically eating out of your hand in terms of excitement. Be careful though, the last time I tried this to a girl, she got so giddy that she ran off and disappeared for two weeks. Last I heard, she and her lawyer filed a restraining order against me. 

Another idea for the perfect date is a dinner. Traditionally, when you ask your dream girl what she wants to eat, she’ll dance around the question before criticizing your various suggestions, hopes and dreams. (Sorry, Taco Bell. Maybe next time.) Learning from this, not only should you take her to any restaurant you want, you shouldn’t let her order. Now listen, I know I may get some flack for this. But if she can’t even give you a straight answer on her restaurant choice, why should she give you an answer on the food? Why should she say “Nah, I don’t want any fries,” and then proceed to steal fries from your very plate! It is a manipulative system designed to steal your food. Thankfully, this can be averted by just ordering her own side of fries for her! Again folks, I’m not trying to propagandize misogyny or anything like that. Women can order what they want, but they cannot deny that this fry-thieving behavior is in any way disconnected from the “not knowing what to eat” question. It’s simple logic! Better yet, when you ask your girlfriend what she wants to eat, wouldn’t a dream girl, if she truly was a dream girl, just answer? I think so. Nevertheless, this topic brings me into why someone would leave that agonizing choice on your shoulders. 

Boys, listen up. Since you’re becoming more mature versions of yourselves (I assume), the simple fact is that women do this because they want to test your masculinity. If you can’t make those hard decisions now, how are you going to choose which child you love more in the future? How are you going to ration out the food? It’s a simple step that goes a long way. By taking all choice of dinner out of the matter for a female, you are not only asserting your masculinity in a healthy way, but you are also showing her that you can make difficult decisions. This is just like my last relationship. She told me that either the grasshopper goes or she goes, and here I am sitting now with a cool-looking giant grasshopper crawling around my keyboard. Let’s see what he says! I’m going to Uptown now for a few hours. Maybe I’ll meet my dream girl.